Friday, June 05, 2009

Job Opening: Dear Leader of North Korea

(This post is in response to an apparent job opening in North Korea. It’s an executive position, and requires several years of management experience. A physical science background and/or degree from a certified 4-year college is preferred, but not required. Graduate studies leading to a Master's degree or equivalent is a plus, as is membership in your local Communist party. A polygraph test and urinalysis is required - to make sure you are alive.....and able to urinate on command.)

Supposedly Kim Jong-Il’s looking for a successor. One of his sons is the front runner – his most loyal son, and the one who bears the strongest resemblance to dear old Dad. Well, Mr. Jong-Il, I may not look a whole lot like you, and I may not think a whole lot like you, and I sure as hell don’t dress a whole lot like you (I don’t wear the same, gray, Dr. Evil suit every single day of my frackin’ life) but I’d like to apply for the job.

Just like I declare myself eligible for the NBA draft every single year, with almost no hope of actually being picked I hereby declare myself a candidate for the next Dear Leader of North Korea’s communist regime.

What about Kim Jong-MILL? How do you like those apples? I think I’d make a fantastic successor to the current Dear Leader.

That’s right. I’ll take that ass-backwards, barren, starving, nuclear-armed country and turn it into an Asian version of New Jersey – endless strip malls, decent beaches, and state-sponsored unlimited kimchi for every man, woman, child, and dog in the country.

Not only that, but I’ll get along with Obama really, really well. Hell, I’ll even try to stop any transfer of nuclear weapons, or other WMD’s to terrorist organizations. With me in charge, it will be safe to remove North Korea from the axis of evil, and place the country firmly within the nexus of fun – along with the Netherlands, and Tarminikijistan.

So maybe the CIA could pull something off, and install me as the head of a puppet regime. Whatever, I’ll happily be somebody’s puppet. So long as it gets me a chauffeur, a million man army, and some nukes.

Just like my main man, Kim Jong-Il. Come on buddy, choose me as your successor. I’ll even let you guest post on my blog if I can succeed you. I mean really, no skin off your nose, right?

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