(This post is in response to an apparent job opening in North Korea. It’s an executive position, and requires several years of management experience. A physical science background and/or degree from a certified 4-year college is preferred, but not required. Graduate studies leading to a Master's degree or equivalent is a plus, as is membership in your local Communist party. A polygraph test and urinalysis is required - to make sure you are alive.....and able to urinate on command.)
Supposedly Kim Jong-Il’s looking for a successor. One of his sons is the front runner – his most loyal son, and the one who bears the strongest resemblance to dear old Dad. Well, Mr. Jong-Il, I may not look a whole lot like you, and I may not think a whole lot like you, and I sure as hell don’t dress a whole lot like you (I don’t wear the same, gray, Dr. Evil suit every single day of my frackin’ life) but I’d like to apply for the job.
Just like I declare myself eligible for the NBA draft every single year, with almost no hope of actually being picked I hereby declare myself a candidate for the next Dear Leader of North Korea’s communist regime.
What about Kim Jong-MILL? How do you like those apples? I think I’d make a fantastic successor to the current Dear Leader.
That’s right. I’ll take that ass-backwards, barren, starving, nuclear-armed country and turn it into an Asian version of New Jersey – endless strip malls, decent beaches, and state-sponsored unlimited kimchi for every man, woman, child, and dog in the country.
Not only that, but I’ll get along with Obama really, really well. Hell, I’ll even try to stop any transfer of nuclear weapons, or other WMD’s to terrorist organizations. With me in charge, it will be safe to remove North Korea from the axis of evil, and place the country firmly within the nexus of fun – along with the Netherlands, and Tarminikijistan.
So maybe the CIA could pull something off, and install me as the head of a puppet regime. Whatever, I’ll happily be somebody’s puppet. So long as it gets me a chauffeur, a million man army, and some nukes.
Just like my main man, Kim Jong-Il. Come on buddy, choose me as your successor. I’ll even let you guest post on my blog if I can succeed you. I mean really, no skin off your nose, right?
Friday, June 05, 2009
Job Opening: Dear Leader of North Korea
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I HEREBY DECLARE.....
......MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2008 NBA DRAFT.
For all of you NBA scouts reading this blog - I know you're out there - I promise to sign with any team who chooses me. I won't pull any crybaby prima donna shit and hold out for a better deal. To that, I swear on my neighbor's eyes. You have my word. And you can have his eyes.
So with a little less than 3 months before the actual draft, I thought this would be a great time to give you (the NBA scouts reading this) some of my credentials - the stuff listed on the back of my basketball trading card, if you will.
- I'm six feet tall, about 180 pounds. I have pretty well-defined arches, and can run 5 miles in less than 45 minutes.
Got your attention yet?
- I can do 25 push-ups in a row, and possess a 72-inch wingspan (just a guess).
- I also own a 14-inch vertical leap.
Piqued your interest?
- Not only do I have slightly above-average endurance, but I'm physically stronger than most children - and by children, I mean those under 10 years of age.
- Now that I've got your undivided curiosity, I should also mention that I have four full years of college basketball eligibility remaining - so my legs are still fresh. Incredibly fresh.
- I'm also quite neat, and would keep the area around my locker very clean and tidy.
- I shower quickly, and would thus not be a burden on the local water system of my NBA team.
- I know how to juggle, and would be happy to teach my teammates in order to keep the mood in the clubhouse happy and lighthearted.
- I'm also pretty good at science and math, so I could tutor the coaches' kids, and help them with homework during off days.
- I will happily accept the NBA minimum salary of $442,114 for the 2008-09 season. I will seriously consider a 1 year contract, with no signing bonus.
- I have a very small carbon footprint. Just like the Toyota Prius, you can feel good about buying me because I'll do less damage to the environment than many other humans.
- I have a ridiculous baseline jumpshot.
- When it comes to fighting for rebounds in the paint, I'm nothing but a flurry of elbows.
- And finally, I can bring my own sneakers.
I honestly think the Knicks could use me at Shooting Guard, or Power Forward. But I would also play for the Sixers, Nets, Celtics, Wizards, Hornets, Heat, or any other team in the NBA.
