Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Who Wants Michael Vick?

One of the most exciting playmakers the NFL has seen in recent years – a truly electrifying talent with his rocket arm and fighter jet legs - Michael Vick is also an ex-convict and a dog murderer.

Will any team overlook Vick’s animal murdering ways, gambling problems, and poor grammar to take a chance on the former All-Pro quarterback? All he needs is NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to reinstate him, and his services will be available to the highest bidder. The highest bidder is likely to be the worst team and/or the team that most hates dogs.

The rumors are flying as thick and fast as Vick’s thighs – will the St. Louis Rams make a move for the canine killing quarterback? The Rams have one of the worst teams in the league, with strong-armed, yet weak-willed quarterback Marc Bulger leading the offense. Bulger is known for throwing as many passes to opposing players as to his own receivers - that is, of course, when he’s not on his back following a helmet to the solar plexus.

But this isn’t about Marc Bulger and how terrible his team is. This is about Michael Vick and how animal-murderously talented he is. Imagine a human being who can outrun a locomotive, bench press a thousand pounds 25 times, and throw a hand grenade 500 yards with pinpoint accuracy. Now imagine a man who kills dogs for fun, and has problems paying his bills. Michael Vick is some combination of these two people.

Vick has agreed to play without pads (or a uniform) this season as a condition of his parole.

So yes, Vick’s return to the NFL would be worthy of significant news coverage. He could bring with him a sense of excitement to a town with a terrible football team - St. Louis, Cincinnati, and Detroit, I’m talking to you! He’s paid a lot for his crimes against canine-kind in prison, and in the loss of his livelihood – along with the confiscation of 5 Escalades, diamond-encrusted salt and pepper shakers, and a gem-studded iPod Touch with his name and jersey number hand-engraved into the solid gold casing.

Yes, Mr. Vick has largely paid his dues, and deserves a second chance. Just keep him the hell away from your dog.

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