Thursday, June 18, 2009

To the Maker of Zicam: You Son of a Bitch

Dear Mr. Zicam,

“Mr. Zicam,” if that is, in fact, your real name. You see, I don’t know what to believe anymore. Ever since I read this article, about how your product can literally kill my sense of smell.

I’ve used your namesake product – Zicam Cold Remedy Nasal Gel – for a number of years now. I’ve recommended it to my friends. I’ve bought it in bulk from Costco. I’ve tried to give it to the dog, for God’s sake.

And now I found out it could kill my sense of smell?!?!? Forever?!? And ever?!?!

Pardon my French, but what kind of fucking bullshit is that? Why don’t you just take away my sight, my hearing, and my sense of right and wrong while you’re at it?

I used to swear by your nasal gel. As soon as I felt that tingle at the back of my throat – either signaling the onset of a cold, or some type of severe seismic activity – I would spray that god-awful stuff directly into my nose. Right on in there. Like a plunger in the toilet, or a thermometer in the rectum. Completely unaware of the potential life-changing implications.

If you can’t smell, you can’t taste. If you can’t taste, you can’t enjoy life. It’s basically that simple. And your product threatened to ruin my life. I take that type of threat rather seriously.

I can recall numerous times when I recommended Zicam to those suffering from the common cold. I would say, “Oh, you’re getting a cold? Try Zicam. It will clear that cold right up. It’s a little bit of healing magic in a plastic pump. I swear by it. And if you don’t like it, I’ll give you my first-born child.”

Because of you, Mr. Zicam, I owe my first 52 children to those I recommended your stupid, piece of shit product.

I demand recompense!! In the form of your throat lozenges, or any sort of non-nasal cold remedy. May I suggest a suppository, the size of a policeman’s Mag-Lite? And you can try it out yourself first to make sure it’s safe.

Sincerely, and with no regard to your safety, just as you had no regard to my safety,

- The Mill

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Anonymous said...

Lost part of my sense of taste and smell from Zicam. Thought I was going to get better till I saw a doctor and they told me if I used Zicam I was probably screwed! And Yes, it changed my life forever. So Yeah don't use any products from Zicam. Zicam sucks!!!!!

The Mill said...

Jesus. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not kidding when I say it would totally blow to lose your sense of smell and taste.

I will never use Zicam again!

Unknown said...

I have been using Zicam for many years and made no connection to my loss of smell and taste. In addition to the nasal gel, I also used the oral mist for several years. I'm now suffering from MS like symptoms including tingling and numbness in both arms, legs, face, and inside my mouth (symptoms often related to zinc toxicity. My quality of life is really horrible. The worst part is, it seems the makers knew of this problem for years and actually hid 800 consumer complaints from the FDA. Yes, I'm angry, Yes, I hope they lose their asses over this.

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