Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Letter To Eliot Spitzer - What's It Really Worth?

(Obviously, a current hot topic all over the news. But let's be clear about one thing - Eliot Spitzer spent more money on prostitutes in 9 months than I make in an entire year. Something doesn't seem fair about that, but I'm not sure exactly what. Anyway, I decided to send the former Governor a letter, asking him to explain himself.)

"Dear E.,

So it looks like you’re in something of a pickle.

You’re out of a job. Fox News is running a non-stop Spitzer mock-a-thon. And pretty much everyone on Wall Street is laughing their asses off.

Walk along the concrete canyons of Lower Manhattan these past two days, and you’re likely to hear numerous and spiteful (and brilliant) Spitzer zingers surging forth from the mouths of the financial community.

That’s right. They’re talking about you when they quote Alanis Morrissette – “Isn’t it ironic?”

However, in your case, there actually is a great deal of irony involved. Those financial behemoths will not soon forget the legal ass-whooping you handed them. You made them your bitch. They paid YOU. Now, it turns out, you’ve been the one paying all along.

I’m sure you can, at the very least, commend your enemies for proper use of the word irony.

But I’m not so sure the irony is what everyone’s really fascinated by.

Sure, you did some illegal stuff. Yes, you were unfaithful to your wife. But $80k spent on nine lousy months of hooker service?!?!?!?

Two or three thousand dollars per hour? One appointment every week or two for nine months? Did I do the math right? Do I really need a calculator for such simple calculations?

What could POSSIBLY be worth 80-large for that amount of time?

Wait Eliot. Don’t answer that. I’ll use my imagination. And let me warn you, this could get pretty wild. But I’m only hoping to gain a better understanding of the value of a dollar. Has it really dropped that much, that fast? Or are you paying for some truly amazing shit?

Are there other things going on behind closed doors, courtesy of The Emperors Club VIP service?

I only hope this letter doesn’t get leaked to the press. Talk about lurid details….

1) The prostitutes were also experienced patent attorneys, and spent much of the time reviewing reams upon reams of documents, and providing legal advice on a wide range of ongoing patent litigation cases. Average billing rate for legal-only services = $900/hr. Legal review plus sex = $1800/hr. Photocopies, reasonable travel expenses, and meals extra.

Ok, that would make sense if you break it down like that. Not such a bad value.

2) The Emperors Club prostitutes were also skilled, licensed plastic surgeons. They performed several procedures during your regularly scheduled appointments. For example: Calf implant procedure = $1500 per leg; Calf implant procedure plus sex = $2400 per leg – or, in different but equivalent terms, $4800 per penis. Also, varicose vein removal = $1100 per leg. Vein removal plus sex = $2000 per leg, or $4000 total.

This is where you really see the power of bulk discounts, Eliot. With all of the prostitutes performing numerous surgeries from Washington, to New York, to London, to Paris, and anywhere in between, everyone gets a screamer of a deal. Also, you get sex thrown in for essentially the price of anesthesia and a few gauze pads.

I defy you to find that kind of a bargain anywhere.

Go ahead, check, or

You will NOT find a better deal.

But I’m preaching to the choir here, Eliot.

Obviously, you had some pretty good reasons for risking your political career and family life for what appears to be an incredibly overpriced and illicit service.

So was it worth that much money, whatever it is you actually received? Did each sex session include 5-10 barrels of sweet, Texas crude? Did you get to choose between a Nintendo Wii, Apple iPhone, or Billy Joel tickets - as your parting gift after each visit?

If you don’t offer more details, and clearly outline the value proposition offered by the Emperors Club service, then I’ll be left with no choice but to be very upset with you.

Ball’s in your court, Eliot.

I patiently await your thoughtful response.

Softest, Warmest Regards,

- The Mill"

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