Thursday, March 27, 2008

For The Love Of Beer

Some people dream of saving the world, or of curing a deadly disease.

Others imagine themselves pitching a no-hitter in the 7th game of the World Series, or tossing a last-second Hail Mary on 4th down to win the Super Bowl.

And some envision themselves as President of the United States, leading our military in the war on global warming, and enacting tax credits and other incentives to decrease terrorism. Or vice versa.

As for myself, I don’t have any plans that are - arguably - as grand as those listed above. But I do have my own special hopes and dreams.

1) Win the lottery
2) Open a microbrewery

One doesn’t necessarily lead to the other, mind you. For example, if I were to win the lottery, there’s a very good chance that I’d blow all the dough on stupid shit like jet skis, private planes, trips to Vegas, expensive booze, purebred dogs, Ferraris, Porsches, bling, and health insurance.

So there’d be nothing left with which to build a beer business.

Also, I suppose it may be possible for me to open a microbrewery without winning the lottery. But I haven’t quite figured out how that would work.

Where there’s a will there’s a way – as Jerry Falwell and other reverendy guys always say.

And just like Falwell and his fellow fundamentalists, before I start making plans for any microbrew, I need to ask myself – “WHAT WOULD JESUS BREW?”

Jesus would probably brew the most delicious beer in the history of beer-making. It would be hoppy (but not too hoppy), slightly fruity, and have a hint of malt, with a beautiful amber color. The alcohol content would be right around 5%, so you could have a few during the game and then drive home, no problem. Jesus thinks of everything.

But I am not Jesus. That’s for certain. I don’t have nearly as much confidence in my own beer-making abilities.

Despite not being good at making it, I love beer – and not because it makes people fat, drunk, and more stupider. Rather, I love it because of its amazing variety of styles, flavors, and subtleties. The available assortment is astounding.

I could drink a different beer every day for the rest of my life, and not come close to tasting all the different ones out there. Hell, I could probably have six beers every single day and not try them all. And no, I’m not challenging you to test this assertion. Although if you do attempt to taste every beer known to man, please tell me about some of your favorites.

What would I name my microbrew?

- The Mill’s Microbrewery?

- 0% Urine Guaranteed?

- Mill’s Magnificent Malted Barley Brew?

- Millweiser

What do you think?

Well you see, that’s the great thing about owning a microbrewery. You can make as many different kinds of beer as you like. And name them whatever you like, so long as you’re not violating anyone’s trademark or copyright - and as long as the bottles contain mostly beer.


Anonymous said...

Yo Mill - I think you should come up with a label for Millweiser and trademark it.

- The General

The Mill said...

I'll do it. But Anheuser-Busch is very litigious. But as long as my beer tastes relatively unlike piss, we should be okay.