Furniture Envy

Jaimi and I bought some new furniture this past weekend. Nothing fancy, and just the essentials. We’re not millionaires.

We’re not even McDonald’s Dollar Menu-naires, especially after dropping all that cool cash on a couple sofas, a few chairs, and a dresser.

And when we move into our new place at the end of the month, we still won’t have a dining table or a bed.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – why buy it when you can make it?

I’m sure we’ll find plenty of old newspapers in the basement recycling bin. Just shred ‘em up, and pow! Instant bedding: elementary-school-science-lab-hamster-cage style.

Looks plenty comfortable to me. I would probably just add a shoe box to rest my head on.

As for the dining table – we may never need to buy one of those. It also seems like the kind of thing that wouldn’t be too difficult to build on your own.

We’ll be living right near the East River, on the edge of Brooklyn Bridge Park. So, not only are there a few trees growing in the park (it would only take one or two of them to build a decent-sized table), but I’m sure plenty of drift wood, or drift “wood,” can be found washed up on the shore.

In fact, I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised to find an entire table amongst the flotsam and jetsam of soda cans, empty Doritos bags, and dead fish.

The truth is, if I had the money, I’d buy a lot more furniture. Including a bed and a dining table. And it would be designer, top-notch, handcrafted shit. No Ikea, or West Elm, or even Pottery Barn.

We would have wall-to-wall Herman Miller, Mies van der Rohe, Eero Saarinen, and Arne Jacobson – just to name a few.

I could save up for one of these by foregoing health insurance for 3 years.

Enter this fantasy apartment of mine, and everywhere you looked, you’d see an icon of modern design.

Step through the doorway, and you’d practically stumble over an Eames Lounge and Ottoman (retail price: $3,500). Take a few steps to your right in order to avoid Mies van der Rohe’s Barcelona Chair ($4,000).

If you kept walking straight ahead, you would smash your shins into the iconic Marshmallow sofa, by George Nelson ($3,000). Believe me, it would hurt more than you’d think.

"Marshmallow Sofa" - not made from marshmallows.

So, avoid the sofa and continue along the narrow path between Eero Saarinen’s rosewood tulip-based table ($5,700) and a Noguchi Free-form Chaise ($6,000).

Make a quick left at the chaise, but don’t stare at it too long. Its beauty will make you weep.

Finally, take a load off in Arne Jacobson’s Egg Chair ($10,000) – one of the most recognizable pieces in the entire apartment. But don’t sit for long – that chair is worth more than you are!!

$10,000 chair - probably best for you AND the chair if you don't sit down.

Anyway, a boy can dream, can’t he?

While you’re dreaming of fast cars, faster women, and success in your career, I’ll be dreaming of Marcel Breuer’s Wassilly Chair, and the Grande Modele sofa by Le Corbusier - in a comfy do-it-yourself bed of shredded newspaper and pulverized truck tires.