I need some smart doctor-types out there to answer one simple question: Why is it that whenever I have a nasty cough, it only seems to manifest itself as the sun goes down? The cough just gets worse and worse as bedtime gets nearer and nearer.
In other words, why is my own body forsaking itself by preventing a restful night's sleep? What do I have against myself?
How do my lungs know to begin convulsing by the time I'm on my way home from work? Is my cough affected by the moon's gravitational force? Are there evil spirits nesting in my chest? What should I eat for lunch tomorrow?
The questions go on and on.
So I guess there's more than one question I'd like to have answered.
If you're a doctor, you play one on TV, or you're just a layman with a penchant for medical text books, please let me know why I cough much more at night than I do during the day.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Cough And Wheeze All Night, Party Every Day
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New iPhone Features Revealed - In My Dreams
A sweet breeze is blowing. It seems to be coming from Steve Jobs. With the second generation iPhone rumored to be on the possible verge of potential release, it only remains to be seen from which Jobs orifice this breeze will come.
Can it possibly meet my expectations? Probably not, as you’ll see below.
But at the same time, as an anxious owner of the first generation iPhone, I sorta hope that the second one isn’t too much better than the first.
Alas, that’s the risk of the early adopter. And I accepted that risk when I activated my iPhone nearly 6 months ago. Actually, it was already available for several months before I got one (as a gift from Jaimi – thanks again dear), so I’m nowhere near the earliest of adopters.
But still, I’ll die a little bit inside if the new version of the iPhone really kicks the old one’s ass.
New iPhone will not come with real fish preserved under the clear touchscreen glass...or will it?Here are a few new features that I’ve heard MIGHT be included in the next-generation iPhone. Keep in mind I heard these inside my own head while I slept - so please spread this around the internet as if I were Steve Jobs’s pool boy, and found some secret iPhone plans in the cabana.
1) Phillips head screwdriver
2) Bullshit detector
3) 32 gigabytes of memory.......built into the headphones
4) Gasoline-powered
5) Silent ringer choices include "Vibrate," “Electric Shock” and “Liquid Explosion”
6) Gaydar
7) Dog whistle
8) Pepper mill
9) 200 gigabyte built-in pornography library
10) Phone itself is redeemable for 100 Starbucks coffees
Monday, May 26, 2008
Never Too Sick For Beer
A little under the weather, but well enough to go on a brewery tour.
Jaimi and I visited Brooklyn Brewery this past weekend. It’s a well-loved microbrewery mere miles from our apartment. I’ve wanted to swing by and take a tour for quite a while. So although I’ve been coughing, sneezing, and generally hacking like a chainsaw, it seemed like the perfect day for a beer outing.
Jaimi doesn’t like beer. She never drinks the stuff - calls it unappetizing, bitter, “sorta nasty,” and all other kinds of names that would hurt beer’s feelings very, very much. So I won’t print them here.
But despite her natural aversion to beer - a highly-caloric, intoxicating, judgment-demolishing beverage often associated with frat boys and rowdy sports fans – she still made the suggestion that we visit the brewery.
It was pretty much the best idea I’d heard since Apple Computer stole the idea for the iPod from me.
Anyway, I was excited that she made the suggestion in the first place. And it promised to be quite an adventure – take the F train to the G train to the street to the brewery to the cup in my hand to the beer on my lips to the beer in my stomach to the urine in the appropriate receptacle.
Our quest was clear. The path was Mapquested (or Google Mapped) and we were on our way.
That’s most of the story right there. We made it to the brewery with plenty of time to spare before the last tour of the day. They have a nice, spacious beer room there, with 8 varieties on tap. I asked if I could bring a beer with me on the tour. They laughed – the answer was clear.
Beer selection at the on site beer tasting facility. 40 minutes didn't give me quite enough time to try all 8 varieties. I only had 6.The tour began with a visit to the brewing room – a large cathedral-like space with about 6 or 7 giant stainless steel containers along the walls. These silver monsters, I would soon learn, are what hold the beer as it ferments.
That thing behind me has something to do with beer. Or it's where babies come from. The tour guide was speakng so fast.The tour began with a brief history of the Brooklyn Brewery – who, when, why, etc. We learned that the guy who designed the logo for the brewery, is the same fine gentleman who came up with the iconic “I Love New York logo” – Milton Glaser. He did the work for a small equity stake in the company, along with a guaranteed lifetime supply of beer. Perhaps the best business deal ever struck.
After that, we learned a little bit about which canisters held what, and for how long. The place was closing early that day because of a private event, and it seemed clear that the tour guide – although very knowledgeable and enthusiastic – was hurrying things along a bit.
That was basically the end of the tour. But I still had 40 minutes left to drink beer.
As I sipped a nice Brooklyn Weisse, my cough began to calm, and my headache melted like a polar ice cap. What a fine visit to the brewery, indeed. And despite the abbreviated tour, I'm a big fan of Brooklyn Brewery. They really make some top notch stuff.
From the first cool sip, all parasites and invading microorganisms in my body are summarily executed by this flavorful India Pale Ale.I learned two very important lessons from this trip to Brooklyn Brewery.
1) Jaimi is a selfless angel.
2) Beer cures headaches, coughs, and probably cancer.
What a marvelous pair of valuable lessons.
What did you learn this past weekend?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
A Trip To Chinatown
Jaimi and I went to Chinatown yesterday. We came back with exactly zero bootleg Louis Vuitton bags. But we did buy a bunch of cheap fruit (cherries for $1.50/pound!). If you're looking for bargains on produce, hightail it down to Chinatown on the weekend. They're practically giving the stuff away. Seriously.
The afternoon consisted of a lovely walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, and then dim sum at our favorite spot - Delight 28 on Pell Street.
It's totally dope.
Anyway, here are some photos from Chinatown. Jaimi took some of the better ones - I need to give her credit once in a while.
For some reason, I feel better about buying cheap fruit than buying cheap seafood.
Dim sum - pork and shrimp all over the place.
After taking this photo, we quickly dispatched these dumplings on a highly acidic highway to hell.
This lady was practically giving these cherries away for free. Along with her wads of cash. "Here take my money! And my cherries!"
Chinese Muppets?
This huge pile of fruit - $5. All their profit comes from real estate investments.
Jaimi carefully considers which mango to purchase. The implications could be wide-reaching - she could buy an overripe mango!Friday, May 23, 2008
My Dream Vanity License Plate
As I was sitting in traffic on the BQE yesterday morning - for about 4 hours, due to a fiery tractor trailer crash somewhere up ahead - I had plenty of time to observe my immediate surroundings.
After all, what else is there to do in a car that's moving 0.8 miles per hour for 3 straight hours? No exaggeration.
At one point, I noticed this truck right ahead of me:
View from a traffic jam: This truck is speeding away from me at almost 0.2 mph.I know, I know. Pretty hard to miss. It was sitting right in front of me. It's a stupid cold cuts delivery truck. Who cares?
I do.
Let's a take a closer look at the truck's license plate. Here's a slightly better view:
Hey driver, what's in the back of your tru....Oh, never mind. It's clearly described on your license plate.That's right. The license plate perfectly describes what the truck typically carries in its cargo bay. Absolutely brilliant. How mad were the Oscar Mayer, Hormel, and Armour folks when they discovered that this plate was already taken?
I only wish I had snagged it first for my car. I'd been thinking about it for a while.
Anyway, a plate that better describes the cargo in my vehicle might read:
"HUMN DRVR"
"WHT MALE"
"ONE MAN"
"TRSH UNDR SEATS"
I don't transport a whole lot of cargo, and my Mazda isn't registered for interstate shipping.
But it's not as if this is the only "Boar's Head Brand" delivery truck in the state of New York. Who gets the privilege of driving the "cool truck?" There must be fights every morning at the distribution center - arguments about who has to drive the "PIGS FEET" truck, or the "HOT SALAMI" truck.
RST BEEF rules both on and off the road.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
New York Photo Festival - What Is Art, Anyway?
I went to the New York Photo Festival this past Sunday. This was the inaugural edition of the event, held in DUMBO, Brooklyn. It seemed like a great success, as the streets of the neighborhood were much busier than usual during the 4 day festival - and when I went, the exhibits were pretty crowded.
The photography exhibits were spread out across 7 or 8 different venues, all within a few blocks of one another.
It turns out that I live right up the block from a couple of these venues. And when I say “venue” I mean previously empty - but ready to be cool – old warehouse space.
So, I’m no photographer by any means. Most of the photos on this site are either taken with a camera phone or “borrowed” from elsewhere on the internet. I spend a decent amount of time trawling for these pictures. But, for example, I didn’t actually shoot the photo of Barack Obama playing basketball, or the one of the entire cast of “Lost” standing in the jungle.
To continue with my furious streak of honesty - I did not take this photo. I ripped it off from the festival's website.But at the same time, as I looked at the wide range of subjects and styles of photography, I couldn’t help but wonder – why is a photo of an old J. Crew t-shirt hanging in a closet considered art?
The answer? I really don’t know.
And that’s why I’m not a photographer, or otherwise any sort of visual artist.
I could just as easily put together a bunch of pics of what dogs found on the sidewalk and tried to eat, but were foiled by their masters. A piece of pretzel. A dead bird. A popsicle stick. An apple core. Dog shit. The potential list goes on and on. It would be quite an extensive exhibit.
Art? Definitely. And even the dog knows it.Again, this is probably why I’m not an artist.
My brain just gets in the way.
Jaimi told me that an important part of creating photographic art is the ability to choose which pictures to include in your display. So, an artist would know that the picture of the popsicle stick on the ground IS art, whereas the picture of a Kit Kat wrapper is NOT art.
Art? Probably, but I'm not really sure.Art for the lazy. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Product Review: The Breville Single Cup Brewer - A Shiny Happy Coffee Maker
The Breville single-cupper: pure magic.I likes me some coffee. Yes sir.
But I’m the only one in the household (Jaimi is allergic to caffeine, or some shit like that) who drinks it on a regular basis. I wouldn’t quite say that I’m not myself until I get my cup of morning joe – but I do require some sort of hot caffeinated beverage fairly soon after getting up.
So, the problem I’ve encountered is how to make a single cup of quality coffee, without brewing an entire pot. Generally speaking, those one-cup little crap-ass coffee makers are just that – Crap Ass. The coffee always seems to have hefty undertones of plastic.
My Dad’s the same way with his coffee. But unlike me, he just couldn’t put up with any sort of shitty one-cup coffee making machine. So he bought the Cadillac of the one-cuppers – The Breville Single Cup Brewer.
And then he saw how in awe I was of its flashing blue lights and whirring motors. So this past weekend, he brought one up as a housewarming gift for our new apartment.
So far so good.
I don’t think I’ve ever before been inclined to review a coffee maker. They all seem so similar – what’s the point?
But this one is different. It’s shiny. It has some real metal parts. Blue LED’s light the instrument panel, and set the see-through water tank all aglow – just as you’d imagine Gandalf’s coffee machine.
The point is, it looks like a wizard forged this thing from pure glacier water, a handful of pulverized unicorn horn, and the love of coffee.
Anyway, the Breville accepts K-cups (those little foil-topped plastic cups with coffee and filter built right in) or you can use the “My K-cup” system, which allows you to use your own coffee. I feel better using “My K-cup” because you create less waste. And because it’s MY K-cup, goddamit.
You have options for different size cups, and different water temperatures. You can play and adjust to suit your taste.
I like my coffee strong as balls, so I try to pack the little K-cup with as much coffee grounds as physically possible.
Actual photo of actual cup of coffee not actually as strong as balls.What spews forth from the machine is a little cup of black magic - a dark, rich, smooth perfectly heated cup of java joe.
It’s really quite good. Much better than those one-cup gizmos. And I love the flexibility of using your own coffee, or purchasing the ready-made K-cups. You can also get tea and hot chocolate in the K-cups, for all those non-coffee drinkers in your life.
As I finish my first cup of the day, I not only thank my Dad (and thanks to mom too for the Tupperware!) for bringing this glorious machine into my life, but I thank the kind folks over at Breville for engineering the Space Shuttle of coffee makers.
In fact, I feel as cool as an astronaut using this machine.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Blinds Installation - Ultimate Nightmare
Installing custom vertical blinds is supposed to be easy. They make it look so simple in the little online instructional video.
I guess it’s not completely your fault, blinds.com. Your low low prices, slick website, and fast delivery make it easy to order custom blinds. That being said, the craftsmanship is shoddy and the written instructions seem to be translated from Chinese – by a native Swahili speaker.
So I believe you’re at least partly to blame for making my past Saturday an all-out nightmare.
I should probably mention that we have 7 big-ass windows in the apartment – all around 81 inches wide and 66 inches tall. But several are slightly smaller in width. And, as I found out on Saturday, one would appear to be trapezoidal in shape – not a single right angle to be found.
I used to think that having all of these windows was a blessing and a curse.
However, the painful experience of installing all those blinds has shown me the light.
It’s just a curse. After all, I already know what it looks like outside. I don’t need to be reminded of it while I’m inside. Besides, I can just check the weather on my computer. No need to even peek outside. Black tar paper stapled to the window frames would have done the job just fine.
Really, I just don’t want to be seen parading around in nothing but a top hat and jockstrap – aka, my loungin’ around wear.
But we just had to have the option of looking outside. So vertical blinds were ordered.
Here’s a list – gleaned from hours of personal experience – of how NOT to install your custom blinds.
1) Order wrong size blinds from blinds.com. Also, make sure that you order the head rails in the wrong size, because those can’t be easily fixed and the mistake requires that you order entirely new ones. Money down toilet: $220.
2) Forget to ask co-worker to bring in drill for you to borrow to aid in installation.
3) Purchase new drill, because you forgot to borrow one and you need to put the blinds up before your parents come to town on Sunday. Money down the toilet: $45.
4) Forget to charge battery for drill.
5) Realize at the last moment that the blinds company didn’t send you valance coverings in the correct size. This is the crappy piece of plastic that goes at the top of the blinds and hide the head rails and open/close mechanism Luckily, you never threw away the old ones that were way too big.
6) Go to hardware store to find something that can cut through the tough yet cheap plastic of the valances. Purchase the $20 metal shears recommended by the store clerk. You will never use these shears for anything else, except to hurl at the wall, when you lose your patience about midway through blinds installation. Money down the toilet: $20.
7) Misinterpret instructions, and drill holes too close to the window. Put up the first head rail and valance, only to realize your mistake - which makes it impossible to install the vertical vanes that actually cover the window. Congratulations. You’ve installed a head rail upon which nothing can be attached.
This is sort of what I looked like while installing the blinds - except I don't have a tool belt, and this guy's face isn't perpetually snarled, and bright red with anger.8) Watch online instructional video, which actually ends up being slightly helpful despite making the installation a hell of a lot easier than it actually is.
9) Discover a simple procedural improvement that allows you to install the head rail without having your girlfriend climb up on to the windowsill with you and hold the head rail up to the top of the window frame while you fiddle around with the drill. (Details of this step is a secret. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.)
10) Spend the next 6 hours actually installing the blinds. Allow the frustration to build.
11) Manhandle head rails into place, as drywall cracks and sputters under the strain – either a) these blinds are not quite the right size, b) you’re installing them at a slight angle, or c) you’re caught in a time vortex and The Island will not let you finish the installation of the blinds.
Sometimes, when I'm installing blinds, I feel a lot like these folks - stranded on a mysterious island where time and space are warped - with little hope of rescue.12) Shout at the blinds when the vanes keep falling off the head rails. Or when the mechanism keeps falling apart, or getting stuck.
13) Regret your purchase of blinds.
14) Rue the day you are currently wasting while you put these fucking blinds up.
15) Calculate the amount of money it would have been worth to pay someone else to do this for you – about $20,000.
In the end, we did manage to install all of the blinds. It took about 9 hours total. Maybe a little longer.
Now I just sit back and wait for them to fall down or otherwise fail.
If you need help installing blinds – either vertical or horizontal - I can provide consulting services at a reasonable hourly rate. Or I’ll actually install them for $25,000 and a pound of flesh. If you can’t offer that much, then don’t bother asking.
Friday, May 16, 2008
The Mill's Olympics
(My article this week from The Love Of Sports, in which I explore alternative possibilities to some of the Olympics more mundane events. These are unlikely to be sanctioned by the IOC at any point in the next 500 years, but I figured I'd put my opinion out there just for the hell of it.)
The Olympics.
Are we, the human race, really taking full advantage of this worldwide athletic showcase? I know the advertisers and sponsors are milking it for all it’s worth, but could our species make better use of this once-every-four-years event?
Seems like it to me.
So, for the purposes of unfairly picking on a few questionable competitions, couldn’t we come up with anything better than these?
- Canoeing
- 20 and 50 kilometer race walk
- Table tennis
- Badminton
These are all certified Olympic events. No joke.
We put a man on the moon, for God’s sake. And we can’t come up with anything better than competitions involving a very old mode of human transportation (canoes), and the MOST ancient mode of human transportation (upright walking)?
And ping-pong and badminton are great for the YMCA rec room, but less so for a worldwide celebration of high-caliber athletics.
Yes, the race walkers look hilarious when they’re doing their VCR-on-fast-forward penguin strut, but come on. Is it a true test of an athlete’s skill and endurance?
Frankly, I don’t know. All of these events actually look pretty hard to me. I’m sure I couldn’t speed walk for more than a mile or two. And I always come perilously close to tipping the canoe when I’m out for a little spin on the lake with my canoeing buddies.
The beer probably doesn’t help my sense of balance.
I am, however, pretty good at table tennis. If you don’t believe me, I’ll happily meet you in my uncle’s basement for a round-robin tourney. Loser pays the bus fare back home.
All that being said, I mean no disrespect to the athletes involved in these events. Heck, if I were the best in the world at something – anything - I’d relish the opportunity to display my skills on the world stage - even if for nothing more than the chance to hear our national anthem play in the background as that gold medal is draped around my neck.
Also, Olympic medals make outstanding paper weights and drink coasters. Just ask Amanda Beard or Michael Phelps.
So here are a few suggestions for replacement events for future Summer Olympics. These may not be “sports” per se, but I think they would really add to the worldwide spectacle of the Olympic Games. I hope to see these in place by the 2024 Olympic Games in Baghdad.
- Olympic Car Washing: Let’s put some idle hands to work, while encouraging competitive spirit, and attention to detail. This event involves upper body agility, hand strength, and resistance to “prune hands.” Cars to be cleaned are chosen by the IOC. In other words, the International Olympic Committee members’ cars will be washed and waxed on a daily basis during the competition.
- Olympic Children’s Dog Polo: In order to spread the popularity of the Olympics to the younger generation, we need to get them involved at an early age. Currently, there aren’t any events in which only children can compete. (I know, I know. There’s an entirely separate thing called the Junior Olympics – just humor me here.) I can think of no better spectacle than to see youngsters racing around on the backs of big dogs while hacking away at a little rubberized ball with a stick. Exciting. Adorable. Huge liability for insurance companies. Still, you have to admit it would be pretty damn entertaining.
- Olympic Staple Removal: Again, another way to get useful work out of Olympic athletes. I’ve got a stack of papers on my desk that would be perfect for practice, if you’re interested. Requiring nimble fingers, hand endurance, and tough, paper-cut-proof fingertips.
- Olympic Fantasy Baseball: The name speaks for itself. I’m adding this one only because I’m so totally dominating our league right now - and it might be my best shot at ever competing in the Olympic Games. Baghdad 2024, here I come!!!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
How To Stick It To The Man - Volume 1, #1 - Starbucks
Starbucks charges plenty for their coffee - in my humble opinion, and in the opinion of my wallet. And plenty of people drink plenty of Starbucks coffee - myself unabashedly included. I think it's pretty good stuff.
But still, it ain't cheap.
I drive to work almost every day, and usually bring coffee along with me - either home-brewed or from the local Starbucks. Also, I should note that the roads in my neighborhood aren't entirely well paved. And the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway has some rough patches as well.
So, as you can imagine, my daily coffee addiction often leads to 2nd degree burns on my hand and arm, and spilled coffee all over my center console and luxuriously carpeted floor mats (I didn't spring for the all-weather rubberized mats).
Anyway, the simple answer to this problem is - don't fill the coffee cup all the way.
At Starbucks, that usually means ordering a medium (they call it a "Grande" but I still refuse to use that terminology - another shot to the crotch of THE MAN) and dumping some out in the trash or on the sidewalk.
What a waste of coffee and money. Starbucks coffee is much more expensive than gasoline, and will remain so even if oil surpasses $200 per barrel. Do the math.
There must be a better way.
You're in luck. There is.
What I've discovered - drum roll please - is that if you simply order a small coffee in a medium cup (a "Tall" in a "Grande" cup, if you don't want to arouse suspicion), not only will you save 21 cents (Note: 21 cents in New York City - your actual savings may vary) by getting the smaller size, but the Starbucks employees will usually fill the medium cup to the perfect level for taking in the car with you. In other words, they fill it up to a level at which you don't have to dump anything out.
The result is that you get exactly the same amount of coffee as you would have if you ordered the larger size, but don't waste any coffee and save about 10%.
I stick that 21 cents in a jar near the door. By the end of the year, I should have enough to buy a Gulfstream V. Those are the ones that have enough range to fly across the Atlantic or cross-country nonstop. I'll keep you posted.
As fair warning, occasionally you get the unexplicably stingy barista who practically measures the amount of a small cup into the medium cup. But that's pretty rare, in my experience.
Starbucks employees are not motivated to conserve coffee as if it were liquid gold. They do, in fact, regularly dump out the coffee and brew fresh batches during the course of the day. Why not give a paying customer a little extra fresh-brewed love every now and again?
So you're not seriously harming the behemoth corporation by taking advantage of this small loophole - no reason to feel guilty. You're just getting closer to the amount of coffee that's rightfully yours for 2 bucks.
If anything, you're really sticking it to the man - big time - with this little maneuver. And isn't that something you can feel good about?
