Never Too Sick For Beer

A little under the weather, but well enough to go on a brewery tour.

Jaimi and I visited Brooklyn Brewery this past weekend. It’s a well-loved microbrewery mere miles from our apartment. I’ve wanted to swing by and take a tour for quite a while. So although I’ve been coughing, sneezing, and generally hacking like a chainsaw, it seemed like the perfect day for a beer outing.

Jaimi doesn’t like beer. She never drinks the stuff - calls it unappetizing, bitter, “sorta nasty,” and all other kinds of names that would hurt beer’s feelings very, very much. So I won’t print them here.

But despite her natural aversion to beer - a highly-caloric, intoxicating, judgment-demolishing beverage often associated with frat boys and rowdy sports fans – she still made the suggestion that we visit the brewery.

It was pretty much the best idea I’d heard since Apple Computer stole the idea for the iPod from me.

Anyway, I was excited that she made the suggestion in the first place. And it promised to be quite an adventure – take the F train to the G train to the street to the brewery to the cup in my hand to the beer on my lips to the beer in my stomach to the urine in the appropriate receptacle.

Our quest was clear. The path was Mapquested (or Google Mapped) and we were on our way.

That’s most of the story right there. We made it to the brewery with plenty of time to spare before the last tour of the day. They have a nice, spacious beer room there, with 8 varieties on tap. I asked if I could bring a beer with me on the tour. They laughed – the answer was clear.

Beer selection at the on site beer tasting facility. 40 minutes didn't give me quite enough time to try all 8 varieties. I only had 6.

The tour began with a visit to the brewing room – a large cathedral-like space with about 6 or 7 giant stainless steel containers along the walls. These silver monsters, I would soon learn, are what hold the beer as it ferments.

That thing behind me has something to do with beer. Or it's where babies come from. The tour guide was speakng so fast.

The tour began with a brief history of the Brooklyn Brewery – who, when, why, etc. We learned that the guy who designed the logo for the brewery, is the same fine gentleman who came up with the iconic “I Love New York logo” – Milton Glaser. He did the work for a small equity stake in the company, along with a guaranteed lifetime supply of beer. Perhaps the best business deal ever struck.

After that, we learned a little bit about which canisters held what, and for how long. The place was closing early that day because of a private event, and it seemed clear that the tour guide – although very knowledgeable and enthusiastic – was hurrying things along a bit.

That was basically the end of the tour. But I still had 40 minutes left to drink beer.

As I sipped a nice Brooklyn Weisse, my cough began to calm, and my headache melted like a polar ice cap. What a fine visit to the brewery, indeed. And despite the abbreviated tour, I'm a big fan of Brooklyn Brewery. They really make some top notch stuff.

From the first cool sip, all parasites and invading microorganisms in my body are summarily executed by this flavorful India Pale Ale.

I learned two very important lessons from this trip to Brooklyn Brewery.

1) Jaimi is a selfless angel.
2) Beer cures headaches, coughs, and probably cancer.

What a marvelous pair of valuable lessons.

What did you learn this past weekend?

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Battle Of The Bridges - Manhattan Versus Brooklyn

Versus

Dumbo, my new neighborhood in Brooklyn, is nestled comfortably between two iconic New York City bridges. We have the Brooklyn Bridge to the south, and the Manhattan Bridge to the north. Dumbo lies essentially in between - offering its residents a very difficult choice.

I've yet to hear any bickering in the streets over which bridge is the best - but now that I live here, I'm going to try to change that.

Don't be surprised, if the next time you're in Dumbo you hear the following:

"Hey kid! Quit looking at that stupid, big, blue hulking monstrosity (Manhattan Bridge), and turn your attention towards a REAL bridge - the Brooklyn Bridge!! Go get a Kleenex, you snot-nosed punk!!"

Or,

"Listen lady, you better put that camera away and keep walking. What you're aiming at is old as dirt, and built by slave labor (Brooklyn Bridge). If you're gonna take a picture of a bridge, then turn your big ol' self around and snap a shot of that magnificent steel structure over there (Manhattan Bridge)."

I personally believe that I'm very lucky to live so close to not one, but two suspension bridges. They're both very cool-looking. And they both offer a reliable route to and from Manhattan

Because, we as Americans can't accept the possibility that two things could be equally good, how does one decide which bridge is best?

Here are some important criteria that I've identified.

• Oldness
• Beautifulness
• Accessibility and congestion
  
• Appearances in film and television
• Number of Workers who died during construction
• Number of chief architects who died during the construction, and number of chief architects' sons who went mad and became invalids during the construction.

We could probably debate numerous other points regarding these bridges, but for now, let's leave it at these.

Oldness - Brooklyn Bridge wins by 26 years. It first opened in 1883, at which point it was the longest suspension bridge in the world. The Manhattan Bridge opened in 1909 - a relative teenager compared with the elderly Brooklyn Bridge. First point goes to the Brooklyn Bridge.

Beautifulness - I think there may be some debate on this point. But really, there shouldn't be. The Brooklyn Bridge is a timeless classic. The massiveness of its gothic stone towers give it an indestructible aura. If you don't think that it's much more aesthetically attractive than the Manhattan Bridge, then you are an asshole. Brooklyn Bridge is up 30-Love over the Manhattan Bridge.

Beauty in the form of a stone support tower. The Sophia Loren of bridge towers.

The Rosie O'Donnell of bridge towers.

Accessibility and Congestion - It obviously depends upon construction delays and time of day, but I'd say that in general, the Manhattan Bridge is less congested. The Manhattan Bridge has 7 total lanes open to traffic, while the Brooklyn Bridge has only 6. Additionally, the Manhattan Bridge can handle bus and truck traffic, which the Brooklyn Bridge cannot. This may be bad for congestion, but it's good if you're moving a big truck full of your old crap from an apartment in Manhattan to a new place in Brooklyn. Brooklyn Bridge 2, Manhattan Bridge 1.

Manhattan Bridge as seen from Dumbo. You can almost smell the bus exhaust from here.

Appearances in Film and Television - Both bridges have been filmed extensively. But I actually think the Manhattan Bridge has appeared more often. It's been featured in "King Kong", "Independence Day", "Live and Let Die", some stupid Steve Martin film, and "Armageddon" - among others. But the Brooklyn Bridge is the subject of Ken Burns documentary (cleverly called "Brooklyn Bridge") and is much more recognizable than the Manhattan Bridge. Let's call this one a wash. Still 2 to 1, Brooklyn Bridge is winning.

Number of Workers Who Died During Construction - No need for suspense. The Brooklyn Bridge wins this category by a landslide - similar to the panicked stampede that killed 12 more people soon after the bridge opened. 27 workers died during the construction, including the original designer, John Roebling - who died of tetanus after his foot was crushed in a ferry accident, pretty much before construction even began. As far as I can tell, nobody died during the Manhattan Bridge's construction. That's so lame. Come on Manhattan Bridge!! Can't you at least TRY to win this competition. Brooklyn Bridge is running away with the prize, 3 to 1.

Number of Chief Architects Who Died During the Construction, and Number of Chief Architects' Sons Who Went Mad and Became Invalids During the Construction - Brooklyn Bridge wins again. As mentioned above, the designer died early on. His son, Washington Roebling continued where his father left off, but soon descended into madness due to what must have been an awfully wicked case of the bends (decompression sickness). Brooklyn Bridge wins another one.

Ok, maybe this last one was a little unfair. I've been rooting for the Brooklyn Bridge all along. In my mind, it's not even close, and I've manipulated the score to reflect this.

Let me know what you think.

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DUMBO, Brooklyn - Some Initial Thoughts

I can’t help but write about my new neighborhood. It’s so much different from my old neighborhood. My recent move from the East Village to Brooklyn has really opened my eyes.

Here are just a few quick observations. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more as I continue to explore my new environs.

My new neighborhood, DUMBO – which stands for “Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass” - is an old warehouse/industrial district located between the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridges just across the East River from Manhattan.

So basically, the acronym “D.U.M.B.O.” is pure bullshit.

That being said, overall I really like my new ‘hood. But there are some other things about the area that are totally bullshit:

1) Only one Starbucks within walking distance.

2) Crappy cobblestone streets. Quaint, yes. But driving around here totally kicks the shit out of my poor little Mazda. Think of it as driving through Beirut, circa 1987.

A typical DUMBO streetscape - Pearl Street, between Front and York (2 blocks from my apartment).

3) Brooklyn-Queens Expressway within spitting distance of my apartment. This is both a blessing and a curse. A constant stream of diesel exhaust flows through my living quarters, and the sounds of traffic never seem to stop. Why, just the other night I had a dream that I was debating Abraham Lincoln – in the middle of the highway during rush hour. The upside is that we can easily get to Brooklyn AND Queens via this highway. Its moniker (unlike DUMBO’s) is truly accurate.

4) A fully equipped camera crew was filming a Capital One commercial on my block this weekend, starring a Kenyan marathon runner. That’s not the really the bullshit part. I have nothing against Kenyans or marathon runners. Rather, I was really annoyed that the crew wouldn’t let me leave my building until the cameras stopped rolling. I’m not good enough to be an extra? I could totally blend in with the crowd. I was wearing a blue sweater, gray hat, running shoes, and a wristwatch. Also, I had on exactly zero pants.

5) The local market, “Peas ‘n Pickles,” has a lousy pickle selection. The pea selection is pretty solid, but again, the name is somewhat misleading. On the upside, the beer selection is great. Should be called “Peas ‘n Beer” or just “Beer.”

6) Neighborhood furniture store to human ratio = 3 to 1. All we need now is a Pottery Barn, and we’ll have completed the set.

Lest you think I’m complaining too much, here’s something about the neighborhood that’s totally awesome: WEEKLY STEVE BUSCEMI SIGHTINGS. My last one was in “Peas ‘n Pickles.” He was buying a pack of gum. He didn’t look like he wanted to talk to me.

Totally out of context - a picture of Steve Buscemi not waving at me, nowhere near "Peas 'n Pickles" market.

I’ll let you know how the next encounter goes.

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A Trip To The Market

A move out of Manhattan brings with it a wealth of new conveniences.

For example:

- Parking spaces

- Trees

- Less than a 45 minute wait for brunch

- Actual, honest-to-goodness, no joking around supermarkets

For now, I’d like to focus on the last item from the list above.

Anyone who’s ever lived in Manhattan knows that the two most prevalent supermarket chains – Gristedes and D’Agostino’s – totally suck shit, big time.

They’re usually grimy, dimly lit, overpriced, overcrowded, and understaffed. Generally, when you visit one of these stores, you can count on a less than pleasant shopping experience.

Beer selection at Gristedes - less than adequate.



Dry goods aisle at D'Agostino's - are these guys even trying to run a decent supermarket?

This is just one of the many sacrifices Manhattanites make when they sign up to live in the most exciting city in the country (Pyongyang, North Korea is arguably the most exciting city in the world, due to the constant threat of nuclear war, unexpected abductions by the communist government’s secret police force, and ever-present famine. It’s like a non-stop party – except minus the fun.)

As I’ve mentioned previously, Jaimi and I recently moved out to Brooklyn. We’ve been busy unpacking and I’m proud to say we’ve definitely unpacked at least 10% of our belongings. Not bad for a week’s worth of work.

And with this Saturday’s deliverance from a week-long lack of cable and internet, a great amount of stress and anxiety was washed away. I was able to concentrate on moving my life forward. We finally had some time to explore the neighborhood, clean the apartment, unpack, etc.

But instead of all that, we headed to Fairway.

For those of you outside of the New York Metro area, you may be unfamiliar with this supermarket chain. There are only 4 locations.

It’s also likely that if you live outside of New York, then you haven’t had to endure the shitty-ass supermarkets we have here. I’m a little concerned that my point of view has been permanently tainted by the trauma I’ve experienced at Gristedes and D’Agostino’s.

So maybe Fairway wouldn’t be all that impressive to you.

But then I think about the friendly employees – every register was open!! I saw zero employees smoking on the loading dock!! And I remind myself of the large selection of prepared foods, and a huge fresh produce department. They had seven different types of tropical melons, for God’s sake!!

So upon further reflection, I’d be willing to bet Fairway matches up pretty well with anything you’re used to.

Whether you frequent the local Albertson’s, Safeway, Piggly Wiggly, or Stop ‘n Shop, you’re not likely to find a better selection of olives.

If you typically go to Acme, Super Fresh, or Kroger, I don’t think you could find a wider array of imported cheeses.

Publix? Shaw’s? You’re not gonna find a better selection of freshly roasted whole bean coffees.

Jaimi spent her time perusing the produce selection, and visiting the seafood department. I think she also got some cereal and some ground turkey with which to make her famous turkey meatloaf.

I picked up some cheese, salami, beer, and coffee. In other words, I covered all of The Mill’s four food groups:

1) Beer
2) Cured Meats
3) Cheese
4) Caffeine

Fairway is awesome for all of my four groups. I believe they also have eggs, milk, bread, granulated sugar, and apples and other popular food items– but I can’t be entirely sure. It's best to call the store before you go.

But without a doubt, if you’re in the market for bacon, beer, and/or brie, then I can safely say that Fairway is your place.

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