......MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2008 NBA DRAFT.
For all of you NBA scouts reading this blog - I know you're out there - I promise to sign with any team who chooses me. I won't pull any crybaby prima donna shit and hold out for a better deal. To that, I swear on my neighbor's eyes. You have my word. And you can have his eyes.
So with a little less than 3 months before the actual draft, I thought this would be a great time to give you (the NBA scouts reading this) some of my credentials - the stuff listed on the back of my basketball trading card, if you will.
- I'm six feet tall, about 180 pounds. I have pretty well-defined arches, and can run 5 miles in less than 45 minutes.
Got your attention yet?
- I can do 25 push-ups in a row, and possess a 72-inch wingspan (just a guess).
- I also own a 14-inch vertical leap.
Piqued your interest?
- Not only do I have slightly above-average endurance, but I'm physically stronger than most children - and by children, I mean those under 10 years of age.
- Now that I've got your undivided curiosity, I should also mention that I have four full years of college basketball eligibility remaining - so my legs are still fresh. Incredibly fresh.
- I'm also quite neat, and would keep the area around my locker very clean and tidy.
- I shower quickly, and would thus not be a burden on the local water system of my NBA team.
- I know how to juggle, and would be happy to teach my teammates in order to keep the mood in the clubhouse happy and lighthearted.
- I'm also pretty good at science and math, so I could tutor the coaches' kids, and help them with homework during off days.
- I will happily accept the NBA minimum salary of $442,114 for the 2008-09 season. I will seriously consider a 1 year contract, with no signing bonus.
- I have a very small carbon footprint. Just like the Toyota Prius, you can feel good about buying me because I'll do less damage to the environment than many other humans.
- I have a ridiculous baseline jumpshot.
- When it comes to fighting for rebounds in the paint, I'm nothing but a flurry of elbows.
- And finally, I can bring my own sneakers.
I honestly think the Knicks could use me at Shooting Guard, or Power Forward. But I would also play for the Sixers, Nets, Celtics, Wizards, Hornets, Heat, or any other team in the NBA.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I HEREBY DECLARE.....
Thursday, March 27, 2008
For The Love Of Beer
Some people dream of saving the world, or of curing a deadly disease.
Others imagine themselves pitching a no-hitter in the 7th game of the World Series, or tossing a last-second Hail Mary on 4th down to win the Super Bowl.
And some envision themselves as President of the United States, leading our military in the war on global warming, and enacting tax credits and other incentives to decrease terrorism. Or vice versa.
As for myself, I don’t have any plans that are - arguably - as grand as those listed above. But I do have my own special hopes and dreams.
1) Win the lottery
2) Open a microbrewery
One doesn’t necessarily lead to the other, mind you. For example, if I were to win the lottery, there’s a very good chance that I’d blow all the dough on stupid shit like jet skis, private planes, trips to Vegas, expensive booze, purebred dogs, Ferraris, Porsches, bling, and health insurance.
So there’d be nothing left with which to build a beer business.
Also, I suppose it may be possible for me to open a microbrewery without winning the lottery. But I haven’t quite figured out how that would work.
Where there’s a will there’s a way – as Jerry Falwell and other reverendy guys always say.
And just like Falwell and his fellow fundamentalists, before I start making plans for any microbrew, I need to ask myself – “WHAT WOULD JESUS BREW?”
Jesus would probably brew the most delicious beer in the history of beer-making. It would be hoppy (but not too hoppy), slightly fruity, and have a hint of malt, with a beautiful amber color. The alcohol content would be right around 5%, so you could have a few during the game and then drive home, no problem. Jesus thinks of everything.
But I am not Jesus. That’s for certain. I don’t have nearly as much confidence in my own beer-making abilities.
Despite not being good at making it, I love beer – and not because it makes people fat, drunk, and more stupider. Rather, I love it because of its amazing variety of styles, flavors, and subtleties. The available assortment is astounding.
I could drink a different beer every day for the rest of my life, and not come close to tasting all the different ones out there. Hell, I could probably have six beers every single day and not try them all. And no, I’m not challenging you to test this assertion. Although if you do attempt to taste every beer known to man, please tell me about some of your favorites.
What would I name my microbrew?
- The Mill’s Microbrewery?
- 0% Urine Guaranteed?
- Mill’s Magnificent Malted Barley Brew?
- Millweiser
What do you think?
Well you see, that’s the great thing about owning a microbrewery. You can make as many different kinds of beer as you like. And name them whatever you like, so long as you’re not violating anyone’s trademark or copyright - and as long as the bottles contain mostly beer.
Crazy Blind Date Website - "Crazy" Being The Operative Word
CrazyBlindDate.com
The basic idea is that you agree to meet a total stranger, without knowing anything about them, in a bar or other public locale within your city. And obviously, you don't get to see a picture of the person before you meet them.
The main problem is, the service is open to anyone with an internet connection.
This site could be a nice, fun idea - or a terrible, disastrous, frightful, potentially murderous idea.
At best, it's a service by which friendly people - who are bored and a little lonely - get to meet new friends and playmates in their home city.
At worst, it's a nightmare waiting to happen for thousands of innocent, lonely, friendly people - as they're taken advantage of by the predators and madmen/women whom we know are trolling the internet on a daily basis for just this type of opportunity.
That being said, if you already have one of these dates planned, or are hoping to use the service in the near future, I'm sure you'll be fine. Probably. At least a 50% chance of being fine. Or thereabouts.
Anyway, all I can do is offer some advice to help keep my fellow internet surfers safe.
If you go on one of these Crazy Blind Dates, bring a taser just in case. And make sure the date takes place in a well-lit area within 100 meters of a hospital, police station, and taser store (in case your current taser runs out of batteries).
To be honest, the most likely outcome is that the date will be perfectly safe, but he/she won't look nearly as good as you had hoped.
If that's the case, no need to taser your date. Just politely extricate yourself from the situation by claiming you have to go home and clean your hairdryer, or you forgot to leave the oven on, or you need to watch the "Mama's Family" marathon on TBS. Those are all great excuses.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
How To Avoid Having $1.58 Left On Your NYC Transit MetroCard
That would be annoying, right?
On March 2, 2008, the New York City MTA enacted fare hikes, which led to a good deal of frustration amongst the commuting public. One of the major changes was a decrease in the automatic bonus added to any MetroCard purchase over $7.00.
This is old news, obviously. But for those of you who aren’t familiar with New York City transit, a ride on either a bus or subway costs $2. So under the old bonus system, if you bought a $10 MetroCard, you’d get a 20% bonus and have a total of $12 on your card. That would get you 6 rides. Nice and even. Or, buy a $20 card, and get a $4 bonus. That’s good for 12 rides. Totally sweet.
Now, if you buy a $10 card, you’re left with $1.50 after 5 rides. And you can’t take that 6th ride unless you refill the card. Along the same lines, the $20 card will now leave you $1 left over.
This is where things get a little tricky.
First off, I was so used to tossing my old cards after I used that final ride, that I threw out the last one before realizing it had $1.50 left on it. Stupid move on my part.
The second time I had $1.50 left on my card, I thought I’d be smart and add $10.50 to it, so that I’d be back to my old, familiar $12 card.
Wrong again. I got a 15% bonus on the refill as well. Thanks MTA. I now have a $13.58 MetroCard.
What the fuck am I going to do with that extra $1.58?
Complete and total nightmare.
You can see how this could easily spiral out of control.
So, if you’d like to save that last $1 or $1.50 on your card, but don’t want to hold onto the same card for many months and many refills - whether due to superstition, OCD, or similar mental disorder - here’s a quick and easy table of what to add to your card to avoid any remaining balance after the refill, and subsequent mass transit rides.
You’re welcome, fair citizens of New York! Or kind visitors to our magnificent city!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Dinner With Obama
What would you give to have dinner with Obama?
$100?
$500?
$25,000?
$500,000,000?
How about none of the above?
I’m not implying in any way, shape, or form, that dinner with Barack Obama wouldn’t be worth one of the numbers above - for most of us, one of the smaller ones. But right now, for a limited time, you can win a chance to dine with Barack “The Change Machine” Obama for any donation to his Presidential Primary campaign. Even five bucks.
Here’s the link:
https://donate.barackobama.com/dinner
I find this proposition very exciting. After all, who doesn’t like free dinner. And on top of all that, you get some serious face time with one of the most charmingly approachable, mesmerizingly affable, and bewitchingly adorable gentlemen to ever grace the halls of Congress.
He’s such a vamp.
Seriously though, this guy is way cool. And I bet he’s just as cool in person.
But getting back to the central matter at hand - the free dinner. A few questions come to mind immediately.
- Where do you think he’d take us to eat? Olive Garden? Applebee’s? Please?
Barack, if this is what's for dinner, then I'm heading over to Red Lobster to meet Hillary. At least she'll let me order the Shrimp Combo.- How many beers could I have before the Secret Service cut me off? Six? Twelve?
- What would I wear? Business casual? Power tie/power slacks/power socks combo? Top-hat and jockstrap?
- What would he wear? Capitol Hill Collection suit and tie? Sweatpants and t-shirt? Linen slacks and a blazer, with wife-beater underneath – Don Johnson/Sonny Crockett style?
- And finally, what would we talk about? Politics? March Madness? The new Batman movie?
- Oh, and also, am I allowed to order the surf ‘n turf?
So, admittedly, and as you could’ve guessed from my enthusiasm, I already entered the contest. I made certain that the donation was small enough to ensure a relatively solid return on investment. Even if I don’t win, I can still enjoy some amount of residual excitement during this upcoming week.
And at the very, very absolute least, I bought myself a reasonably timely blog topic.
Of course if I win, I’ll be sure to tell you all about it - and thus, will have bought myself two blog topics.
In other words, I can’t lose. And neither can Barack Obama.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Typical German Wedding - Guy Eats Microphone
Perhaps you've been to a German wedding before. I've never attended one, so I can't say for sure how typical of a scene this is. Anyway, the big finale of this wedding singer's act is truly astounding, if entirely accidental, and incredibly dangerous. Oh, and also potentially fatal. And probably pretty scary, and doubtlessly quite painful. Enjoy
More Entertaining - Knicks Basketball Or Knicks Basketball Halftime Show?
Me - either at the Knicks game, or flawlessly photo-shopped. Read the sentence below to find out the truth!Jaimi and I went to the Knicks game on Friday night.
We had really sweet seats right near the Knicks’ bench – thank you anonymous season ticket holder!! So close, in fact, that it would have been incredibly easy to storm the court, put little point guard Nate Robinson in my pocket, and run out of there.
Also, I could have gotten Malik Rose’s autograph on my forehead or chest. I’m kicking myself right now for passing that up.
For me, the evening was filled with complex feelings. For one thing, please don’t mistake me for a Knicks fan. I’m a Sixers fan through and through. But on the other hand, I found myself caught up in the home crowd’s enthusiasm.
At the same time, I really hate Isiah Thomas for what he’s done to this poor team. And then, on what I guess would be the fourth hand, maybe the Knicks just suck, plain and simple.
A crappy picture of a crappy coach talking to his crappy team.So you can see how these oscillating emotions could leave one totally exhausted – after about 5 minutes.
It was at this point that we got up and headed for the food court.
I never expect very much in the way of food at these kinds of venues. It’s best to have incredibly low expectations ($25 sawdust on a hot dog roll, $15 Dixie cup of brown tap water) and then end up pleasantly surprised when you bite into that perfectly boiled $8 Hebrew National.
As it turned out, I went the healthy route and ordered a constipatingly dry chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke. Jaimi had the chicken fingers, which were delicious.
Total cost – about $20. Not bad at all for dinner at The Garden.
The game itself was exciting at times, although the Knicks were already down by 19 points at halftime. They made a valiant run in the 3rd period, and tied the score. But, it didn’t last long. The mighty Memphis Grizzlies (3rd worst team in the entire NBA) roared back, and won by a comfortable 14-point margin.
In case you were wondering, yes we actually stayed to see most of the game. And yes, the halftime show turned out to be the best part.
Krystal Niu, aka “The Red Panda Acrobat,” amazed and delighted with a unicycle-riding, bowl-flipping extravaganza. It really was pretty amazing. I’m not being facetious. Seriously, this isn’t sarcasm right here. She rode around on a 7-foot high unicycle, balancing a huge stack of bowls on her head. In order to get the bowls up there, she’d balance a number of them on her foot, kick them into the air, and catch them on her noggin.
All eyes on the crazy little lady with bowls and the unicycle. She's about to kick, like, 7,000 bowls onto her head.Maybe you had to be there.
Anyway, if you’re thinking about heading to Madison Square Garden to see the Knicks, you should do a couple things before buying those tickets:
1) Re-evaluate your life – do you really want to see the Knicks in the first place? If so, why? How long have you been off your medication?
2) Check the halftime show schedule, and only go to the game if The Red Panda Acrobat is performing. She’s WAY better than dogs catching Frisbees, or ANY high school marching band on the planet.
Friday, March 21, 2008
March Madness - A Test Of Google's Skillz
MARCH MADNESS.
MARCH MADNESS.
MARCH MADNESS.
Now, I fully realize that anyone entering a Google search for "MARCH MADNESS" won't reach my site until the one millionth page of results, or thereabouts.
Statistical research has shown that during MARCH MADNESS, all workers at all companies are much less productive. Some of this is due to the fact that people are busy watching basketball games during the day, instead of doing work. Also, some people are just really lazy, and use the aforementioned statistical research as an excuse to do even less work than they'd do normally.
Perhaps a more accurate analysis of this phenomenon would be to say that performing research into the loss of productivity during MARCH MADNESS leads to a loss of productivity during MARCH MADNESS.
It reminds me a bit of a favorite old adage: "If a bear shits in the woods, does it make a sound?" or, "If you see a bear shitting in the woods, do NOT disturb him."
In any case, my point is that this whole MARCH MADNESS loss of productivity crap is self-fulfilling. And I might as well try to take advantage of that. Hence, the idea of this post.
If everyone's busy on the internet right now watching basketball, and Googling MARCH MADNESS-related terms, then I should be able to harvest some of that web traffic, and direct it towards this site.
Of course, whatever MARCH MADNESS terms someone may be searching for, they will invariably be disappointed by the severe lack of college basketball-related content on this website.
So to those of you who have ended up here from a Google search, I apologize. But the good news is, you can now waste time reading this post instead of reading about NCAA basketball's MARCH MADNESS tournament - going on right now on CBS.
Ideally, I'll figure out some unique terms that are related to MARCH MADNESS, and get a few more visitors to my site via their Google searches. That's all I'm really after - more cyber-friends. Real friends are too high maintenance. You actually have to talk to them and stuff.
Using a special algorithm (created by myself in my own mind, just this minute) I will combine popular search terms with MARCH MADNESS-related terms - and see if it leads to an increase in traffic. So here goes nothin':
"MARCH MADNESS HILLARY CLINTON"
"NCAA BASKETBALL - IS IT IN YOU?"
"BEAR STEARNS BRACKET POOL"
"BRITNEY MADNESS PARIS HILTON COLLEGE ATHLETES"
"WINEHOUSE CRACK HOUSE MARCH BASKETBALL"
"BILL RICHARDSON ENDORSES BARACK OBAMA MARCH MADNESS BASKETBALL BRACKETS"
"DUKE COACH K BRAD AND ANGELINA ADOPT COLLEGE BASKETBALL PLAYERS"
"BIG EAST GEORGETOWN EMPEROR'S VIP CLUB"
"NASCAR FREE IPOD NCAA TOURNAMENT"
Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the extra visitors.
MARCH MADNESS!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Where Fantasy Meets Reality
(From my weekly column at The Love Of Sports. I invent - and then examine through a rose-colored lens - an entirely new way of looking at fantasy baseball trades. Please try to enjoy.)
Last year, right around this time, I suggested a new way of looking at fantasy baseball trades. To tell the truth, I propose the same basic idea to my fantasy league each and every year - to no avail.
Now, with a slightly larger audience than the 11 other guys in my league, I’ll throw it at the wall again and see if anything sticks.
What if you could trade real-life goods and services for fantasy baseball players?
Why should we limit our fantasy trades to only include a swap of the imaginary ownership rights of real human beings?
Now, I’m not suggesting we should actually own a fraction of the athletes – although lord knows that’s already been done - but the melding of fantasy and reality is long overdue.
“I’ll give you my watch and Lance Berkman for A-Rod.”
“No way dude, that’s a shitty watch. You give me Lance Berkman's watch, and we might have something to talk about. I was with you when you bought yours in Chinatown last week.”
“Ok. You wanna play hard ball, huh? How about new running shoes, Lance Berkman, a case of beer, and my tennis racket for A-Rod?”
“Done. That’s a totally sweet deal.”
And it’s that simple.
Do you see how we can flawlessly infuse everyday material objects into our fantasy sports negotiations?
There are some lines, however, that we’d be wise not to cross. Here are a couple examples of clear violations of human trafficking and/or prostitution laws (be especially wary if Eliot Spitzer is in your league):
"You give me Johan Santana, I’ll give you my daughter."
"Travis Hafner, Erik Bedard, and Ken Griffey, Jr., for Chipper Jones, Derek Jeter, and sex with your wife."
Also, it’s best to avoid the following scenarios, due to their blatant illegality.
"I’ll give you Albert Pujols and Josh Beckett for Ichiro and 4 ounces of black tar heroin. Or just Pujols for the heroin, straight up, and we can do some right here in my basement."
"You trade me Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes for Paul Konerko and Orlando Cabrera, and I’ll kill your ex-boyfriend (or current boyfriend, wink-wink) for you."
Would you kill to have this man? On your fantasy team, that is.But with proper knowledge of local, state, and federal laws, and fair negotiating skills, you should be able to stretch your fantasy trading budget further than ever before.
Even if you don’t have much money or jewelry to throw at the other fantasy managers in your league, you may have more to offer than you think.
Can you hold a mop? Are you handy with a shovel? How about a bucket and a chamois?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you’ve got a great chance to nab a young star like Jimmy Rollins or David Wright.
All you need in order to trade for one of these top guys is a mid-level starting pitcher or an over-the-hill former All-Star, combined with a decent amount of attention to detail and upper body strength.
The hedges could use a proper pruning, after all. My topiary Gene Simmons is looking pretty bad – you can’t even make out his tongue. Anyway, you’ll get Chase Utley and Hanley Ramirez in exchange for Manny Ramirez and 30 hours worth of landscaping.
Nice work. You've now earned a great shortstop AND top-notch second baseman.A couple more examples of quality real-world/fantasy trades:
Magglio Ordonez + 5 car washes + resealing your driveway = Jose Reyes.
Edgar Renteria + 3 months of pool maintenance + 20 hours of babysitting = Miguel Cabrera.
All that hard work, inhaling those dangerous fumes, and the hours you could have spent with your children? No matter, your new third baseman is awesome!!It simply makes sense. And this allows for the most industrious and persistent competitors in your league to do whatever it takes (and I mean WHATEVER it takes) to assemble the best fantasy team possible.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Furniture Envy
Jaimi and I bought some new furniture this past weekend. Nothing fancy, and just the essentials. We’re not millionaires.
We’re not even McDonald’s Dollar Menu-naires, especially after dropping all that cool cash on a couple sofas, a few chairs, and a dresser.
And when we move into our new place at the end of the month, we still won’t have a dining table or a bed.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – why buy it when you can make it?
I’m sure we’ll find plenty of old newspapers in the basement recycling bin. Just shred ‘em up, and pow! Instant bedding: elementary-school-science-lab-hamster-cage style.
Looks plenty comfortable to me. I would probably just add a shoe box to rest my head on.As for the dining table – we may never need to buy one of those. It also seems like the kind of thing that wouldn’t be too difficult to build on your own.
We’ll be living right near the East River, on the edge of Brooklyn Bridge Park. So, not only are there a few trees growing in the park (it would only take one or two of them to build a decent-sized table), but I’m sure plenty of drift wood, or drift “wood,” can be found washed up on the shore.
In fact, I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised to find an entire table amongst the flotsam and jetsam of soda cans, empty Doritos bags, and dead fish.
The truth is, if I had the money, I’d buy a lot more furniture. Including a bed and a dining table. And it would be designer, top-notch, handcrafted shit. No Ikea, or West Elm, or even Pottery Barn.
We would have wall-to-wall Herman Miller, Mies van der Rohe, Eero Saarinen, and Arne Jacobson – just to name a few.
I could save up for one of these by foregoing health insurance for 3 years.Enter this fantasy apartment of mine, and everywhere you looked, you’d see an icon of modern design.
Step through the doorway, and you’d practically stumble over an Eames Lounge and Ottoman (retail price: $3,500). Take a few steps to your right in order to avoid Mies van der Rohe’s Barcelona Chair ($4,000).
If you kept walking straight ahead, you would smash your shins into the iconic Marshmallow sofa, by George Nelson ($3,000). Believe me, it would hurt more than you’d think.
"Marshmallow Sofa" - not made from marshmallows.So, avoid the sofa and continue along the narrow path between Eero Saarinen’s rosewood tulip-based table ($5,700) and a Noguchi Free-form Chaise ($6,000).
Make a quick left at the chaise, but don’t stare at it too long. Its beauty will make you weep.
Finally, take a load off in Arne Jacobson’s Egg Chair ($10,000) – one of the most recognizable pieces in the entire apartment. But don’t sit for long – that chair is worth more than you are!!
$10,000 chair - probably best for you AND the chair if you don't sit down.
Anyway, a boy can dream, can’t he?
While you’re dreaming of fast cars, faster women, and success in your career, I’ll be dreaming of Marcel Breuer’s Wassilly Chair, and the Grande Modele sofa by Le Corbusier - in a comfy do-it-yourself bed of shredded newspaper and pulverized truck tires.
