Are You Ready For Some Taxes?

(My weekly article from The Love Of Sports. It's tax time folks. And everyone's looking for deductions - including pro athletes.)

It’s baseball season. I should be solely focused on my fantasy team, and the National League East race. I should be looking forward to months of hot baseball action, as the boys of summer begin finding their grooves, and we’re able to separate the stars from the has-beens. The cream always rises to the top after a month or so.

It’s a great time of year and one of my favorite seasons in the sporting calendar – second only to the early fall, when the NFL is gearing up for their grueling and exciting 17 weeks of violent fun.

However, when I look at the calendar right now, there is one absolutely massive obstacle in the path to my personal enjoyment of, well, just about anything.

Tuesday April 15th.

I’m not talking about the Mets vs. Nationals game at Shea – although it promises to be a real barnburner.

No, I’m talking about the deadline to file your taxes.

Have you forgotten about it? If so, it’s pretty much time to start panicking. But I’m glad I reminded you.

Normally, I’m way ahead of the curve with this. I loves me some refund checks from the IRS.

Things are different this year, though.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in a new tax bracket, or just don’t have as many deductions as I used to, but Uncle Sam will not be sending me much, if anything in the way of refunds this year. So there goes my motivation to gather my forms, fill out the worksheets, and fire up the TurboTax software.

And thus, here I am, with the April 15th deadline screaming towards me like a Dice-K gyroball, and my taxes have yet to be filed.

The pressure’s on. It’s the bottom of the ninth – and since there are still several days left before the 15th, I guess the proper analogy is that I only have one out. But I’m down by 7 runs, and I can’t find my 2007 W-2. Also, I’ve just received notice that my 2006 Form DTF-686-ATT (New York Reportable Disclosure Statement and Request For a Determination) is incomplete, and will need to be submitted again. I’m pretty sure I don’t know what the hell that is.

Anyway, all this anxiety-inducing tax talk got me to thinking – it must be nice to be a pro ball player and have someone do your taxes for you. Also, it must be nice because I bet the deductions you can take are rather extensive when you’re always on the road, and your body is essentially your business.

For example, here are a few baseball player tax deductions – at least as I’d imagine them:

- Manny Ramirez’s Maserati: Non-reimbursed transportation and commuting expenses. Whatever keeps Manny happy and showing up for work is a legitimate deduction, according to Red Sox accountants.

Manny claims a deduction for this awesome grill. He wheels it into his parking space when he drives to the ballpark - "Manny no like when space gone when he come home." Funny thing is, Manny has his own 4-car garage.

- A-Rod’s $1200 designer sunglasses: Legitimate business expense, as the glasses protect him from sun and paparazzi camera flashes, preserving his eyesight so as to strike out only when his at-bats actually matter.

- Prince Fielder’s aerobics class membership: The Brewers and the IRS understand that if Prince isn’t careful, his body could soon resemble that of his father’s. In other words, a cross between Jabba the Hut and a Butterball frozen turkey.

- Derek Jeter’s scented hair crème and almond butter body lotion: Jeter’s business is as much about slick fielding and solid hitting as it is looking oh-so-fine for the ladies. It’s almost a no-brainer that the IRS would allow for this deduction. They’re probably in love with him as well. I just wish they'd admit it.


Best of luck to you as you race against the IRS clock, and try to get your act together by the 15th. May your deductions be as plentiful as your frustrations and anxiety.

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More Complaining Due To Lack Of Internet

(An article for The Love Of Sports, in which I complain yet again about my current lack of internet. I guess it's really getting to me. I don't know. You won't have to listen to me whine about it after this though - I promise.)

The fantasy baseball season is officially rocking and rolling.

What a terrible time to be moving into a new apartment.

You may be asking - What on God’s green earth does that have to do with sports?

The answer? Plenty. More than you could ever possibly imagine.

You see, I’m currently living a full-fledged fantasy baseball (and to a lesser extent, fantasy basketball) nightmare.

Now you’re probably wondering:

- Was my team devastated by injuries during Spring training?

- Did I mistakenly draft the wrong Ryan Braun in the first round (scrub pitcher for the Royals, instead of stud third baseman for the Brewers)?

- Am I upset with my team name and the league commissioner won’t allow me to change it?

No, almost, and maybe - although I’m not going to make a big stink about the team name thing.

Anyway, the abomination to end all abominations is the fact that my new apartment, as of right now, DOES NOT HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION.

The cable guy will be mounting a rescue mission on Saturday to hook us up, so relief is in sight. But until then, I must endure the horror, and the painful cramps of withdrawal.

The first thing that comes to mind as I reflect upon my current state of disconnectedness is the familiar saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”

To take it a step further – and to borrow some lyrics from the “Chicago” smash-hit soft-rock love ballad “Hard Habit To Break”:

Living without you is all a big mistake.

Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take.

I’m addicted to you (internet), you’re a hard habit to break.

And to quote Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young – in yet another ballad of loving and losing – “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

In other words, I can still access the mobile internet on my cell phone, but it just ain’t the same as a high-speed cable connection.

And so, I sit huddled in the corner of my new living room, buttocks firmly planted on the freshly waxed floor (we don’t have any chairs yet), surrounded by so many unpacked boxes, endlessly mumbling the refrain to my own song of internet mourning:

The internet’s been my best friend for years.

Now I realize it, and it’s bringin’ me to tears.

This sorrow that I’m feelin’ is not just about baseball.

It’s NBA, it’s college hoops, it’s Skype long distance phone calls.

(Chorus)

Yes internet I miss you.

Sweet internet I need you.

When you’re not here I won’t eat, I won’t speak.

And without you, recently injured Victor Martinez will stay on my roster all week.

(Repeat 4x)

The melody is basically three repeating power chords on the electric keyboard, with a slow electronica beat.

In any case, as an avid fantasy sports fan I’ve come to really appreciate the power of the internet. It’s hard not to take it for granted. And it’s become the lifeblood of any sports fan, fantasy or otherwise.

Let’s face it, nobody reads the newspaper anymore for sports scores and injury updates. ESPN is good, but who wants to sit through 20 minutes of golf, soccer, and tennis highlights, when all you want is the damn baseball box scores.

The internet is there 24/7, for all your sporting needs. It never gets tired, although it occasionally refuses your query or can’t find the page you’re looking for. But it always apologizes in such instances.

So yes, the internet is a dear, dear friend of mine. And I miss it something awful.

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Where Fantasy Meets Reality

(From my weekly column at The Love Of Sports. I invent - and then examine through a rose-colored lens - an entirely new way of looking at fantasy baseball trades. Please try to enjoy.)

Last year, right around this time, I suggested a new way of looking at fantasy baseball trades. To tell the truth, I propose the same basic idea to my fantasy league each and every year - to no avail.

Now, with a slightly larger audience than the 11 other guys in my league, I’ll throw it at the wall again and see if anything sticks.

What if you could trade real-life goods and services for fantasy baseball players?

Why should we limit our fantasy trades to only include a swap of the imaginary ownership rights of real human beings?

Now, I’m not suggesting we should actually own a fraction of the athletes – although lord knows that’s already been done - but the melding of fantasy and reality is long overdue.

“I’ll give you my watch and Lance Berkman for A-Rod.”

“No way dude, that’s a shitty watch. You give me Lance Berkman's watch, and we might have something to talk about. I was with you when you bought yours in Chinatown last week.”

“Ok. You wanna play hard ball, huh? How about new running shoes, Lance Berkman, a case of beer, and my tennis racket for A-Rod?”

“Done. That’s a totally sweet deal.”

And it’s that simple.

Do you see how we can flawlessly infuse everyday material objects into our fantasy sports negotiations?

There are some lines, however, that we’d be wise not to cross. Here are a couple examples of clear violations of human trafficking and/or prostitution laws (be especially wary if Eliot Spitzer is in your league):

"You give me Johan Santana, I’ll give you my daughter."

"Travis Hafner, Erik Bedard, and Ken Griffey, Jr., for Chipper Jones, Derek Jeter, and sex with your wife."

Also, it’s best to avoid the following scenarios, due to their blatant illegality.

"I’ll give you Albert Pujols and Josh Beckett for Ichiro and 4 ounces of black tar heroin. Or just Pujols for the heroin, straight up, and we can do some right here in my basement."

"You trade me Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes for Paul Konerko and Orlando Cabrera, and I’ll kill your ex-boyfriend (or current boyfriend, wink-wink) for you."

Would you kill to have this man? On your fantasy team, that is.

But with proper knowledge of local, state, and federal laws, and fair negotiating skills, you should be able to stretch your fantasy trading budget further than ever before.

Even if you don’t have much money or jewelry to throw at the other fantasy managers in your league, you may have more to offer than you think.

Can you hold a mop? Are you handy with a shovel? How about a bucket and a chamois?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you’ve got a great chance to nab a young star like Jimmy Rollins or David Wright.

All you need in order to trade for one of these top guys is a mid-level starting pitcher or an over-the-hill former All-Star, combined with a decent amount of attention to detail and upper body strength.

The hedges could use a proper pruning, after all. My topiary Gene Simmons is looking pretty bad – you can’t even make out his tongue. Anyway, you’ll get Chase Utley and Hanley Ramirez in exchange for Manny Ramirez and 30 hours worth of landscaping.

Nice work. You've now earned a great shortstop AND top-notch second baseman.

A couple more examples of quality real-world/fantasy trades:

Magglio Ordonez + 5 car washes + resealing your driveway = Jose Reyes.

Edgar Renteria + 3 months of pool maintenance + 20 hours of babysitting = Miguel Cabrera.

All that hard work, inhaling those dangerous fumes, and the hours you could have spent with your children? No matter, your new third baseman is awesome!!

It simply makes sense. And this allows for the most industrious and persistent competitors in your league to do whatever it takes (and I mean WHATEVER it takes) to assemble the best fantasy team possible.

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Fantasy Baseball Draft Preparation - The Real Secret

(Originally appeared at The Love Of Sports as part of my weekly column, this post deals with topics ranging from baseball to illegal immigration, and back again - with underlying themes of ingenuity and the importance of fantasy baseball in today's democratic societies. If you have any interest in sports, freedom, or foreigners, than you should read on below.)

Baseball’s back. And along with baseball, comes – you guessed it - fantasy baseball.

So now’s the perfect time to let you in on a few of my fantasy baseball draft secrets.

The truth is, it’s all about the preparation. Especially when you’re drafting in a keeper league, like mine.

And I’m not talking about simply poring over rankings, and sifting through 2008 player projections for hours upon hours - many weeks and months before draft day. Or memorizing stat lines for every position player over the past 6 years, and calculating your own projections derived from a complex multivariable-calculus-based algorithm.

This data is then uploaded to a server farm in India (via secure satellite transmission), which crunches the numbers and spits out the left-handed second basemen who bat the best against pitchers with more than 4 vowels in their last names – and whose high school mascots were some variety of eagle (bald, golden, screaming, etc.).

Fantasy draft data-crunching, now outsourced to India.

Every average fantasy manager does that stuff nowadays.

And I don’t mean traveling to Florida, Arizona, and the Dominican Republic to attend Winter Ball and/or Spring Training games in order to scout the starting position battles, and get a jump on the latest news.

Top fantasy gamers have been doing that for 5 or 6 years now, easy.

If this is all you’ve been doing to prepare for your draft, I’m afraid you need to step up your game, my friends.

In my current league, we’re able to draft minor league players. For example, I drafted Hunter Pence and Jacoby Ellsbury last year before they even played their first game in the majors.

Several years ago, one guy in our league drafted Scott Kazmir…..while he was still a junior in high school. I’m not kidding.

So, if you’re going to keep pace with crazy people like me, or my Kazmir-loving colleague, you need to look at all available avenues.

My suggestions if you REALLY want to win your keeper league?

1) Learn Spanish

2) Book a trip to Cuba (you’ll need to go through Canada, Mexico, or Bermuda).

3) Bring some extra suitcases.

4) Hang around some playgrounds and junior high school ball fields.

5) Evade the Castro regime’s “Policia Secreto.”

6) Take copious notes regarding the 13 year-old with the 102 mph slider and the unorthodox leg kick.

7) Discover the mythical 230-pound, 14 year-old right fielder with a howitzer arm and ability to hit a baseball so hard, it actually vaporizes upon contact with his bat.

8) Marvel at the natural beauty of La Isla Cubana - Make mental note to write congressman about lifting embargoes against Cuba, and allow for free travel to and from the island nation.

9) Gather all relevant personal information on the aforementioned individuals. You’ll need this info on draft day.

10) Find their younger siblings – play catch with them. Maybe hit a few balls around as well.

11) If talented - and small enough - place siblings in extra suitcases.

12) Don’t forget plenty of air holes, and stock suitcases with juice boxes and snacks.

13) Once safely in the USA, send the Cuban youngsters to Prep school and encourage them to play baseball.

14) Wait a few years. Draft. Repeat.


There you have it. You’ll be dominating your keeper league within 10-12 years.

These young Cuban children are of different ethnicities, but Castro has instilled baseball greatness in all his people. At least one is a future All-Star - if you can get him off the island.

Alternatively, you could follow a similar process in Japan, or Texas. Both of which would be easier on a number of levels - legally, politically, and logistically. But more difficult on several other levels - larger children in Texas = harder to smuggle back to prep school, and Japanese is a really tough language to learn = difficult to convince parents that kids would be better off with you in America, and on your fantasy baseball team, which might be nearly impossible to explain exactly what a fantasy baseball team is in Japanese. They might think you're going to train their children for an "American Idol" spinoff, or something - which could be used as a great cover, come to think of it.

"Hello, Continental Airlines? One ticket to Tokyo please!"

In any case, best of luck in your draft preparations. May you discover the next rookie phenom, and draft him before anyone else even knows his name.

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The Secret Behind NASCAR's Winning Drivers

(This article of mine originally appeared on The Love Of Sports earlier this week. All I ask is that you don’t confuse me with an actual NASCAR fan. I love cars, don’t get me wrong. And I respect these crazy drivers for flying around an asphalt oval at 200 miles per hour for 4 hours straight. But I really don’t know much about the "sport." And whether you want to call auto racing a sport or not, I don’t really give a shit. I just use the word “sport” for convenience and don’t necessarily confirm nor deny NASCAR’s status as a sport. Let’s just say I abstain from that vote for now.)

They say March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb.

I have no idea what that means, but the lion reference reminds me of how lions roar. And the roaring of lions reminds me of the roaring of engines. The engine noise reminds me of how difficult it is to sleep when the Hell’s Angels convention is in town. And conventions remind me of the convention center – where the auto show is held. The auto show, in turn, reminds me of cars. And cars remind me of NASCAR, because the word “car” is in the name.

What’s all the hubbub with these hot celebrity drivers anyway? I’d rather focus on the cars themselves. They get so little respect.

After all, they’re literally doing all the hard work – using their powerful engines to propel themselves at speeds of over 200 miles per hour; risking fender and axle, race in and race out; allowing the pit crews to put their hands ALL over their bodies and in every crack and crevice, even though they may not even know the pit members’ names.

Imagine if your co-workers gave you a good, thorough body search every hour or so during your workday.

That’s how these racecars must feel. Humiliating.

Fans spend so much time worshipping guys like Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch, when it’s their cars they should really be praising.

So, if we’ve accepted the notion that the driver isn’t doing most of the work, then what exactly is it that turns an average car into a perennial winner? Or loser, for that matter.

All of these racing machines are essentially the same size and weight and carry similar engines and other mechanical components. Most of the NASCAR engines vary by less than 10 horsepower. When you’re squeezing 700-800 horsepower out of a chunk of aluminum, a measly 10 ponies won’t make all that much of a difference over the course of a 500-mile race.

What’s the X-factor then?

Answer? The devil is in the decals.

That’s right. The faster the car, the cooler the decals – and vice versa.

Take a random sampling of the current Top 10 drivers and their major sponsors/decal providers:

Kasey Kahne – Budweiser
Kyle Busch – M & M’s/Snickers
Kevin Harvick – Pennzoil
Carl Edwards - Office Depot/Aflac Insurance

All great decals, and each one an advertisement for a top-notch and highly desirable product.

Now take a look at a few drivers from the bottom of the current NASCAR pile-up:

A.J. Allmendinger – Red Bull
Aric Almirola – United States Army
Robby Gordon – Jim Beam
Joe Nemechek – Furniture Row

Basically, these stickers suck. That’s the difference.

Red Bull? Nasty. Try p.i.n.k. vodka instead if you need a boost.

Jim Beam? I prefer Jack Daniels any day of the week.

U.S. Army? I respect these guys, but please don’t try to recruit me during a beautiful Sunday afternoon at the track.

And that’s why guys like Joe Nemechek (Furniture Row) and Kyle Petty (Wells Fargo) don’t have any chance of finishing in the Top 25 this season – unless they swap out their decals.

By studying recent race results, and adjusting for road conditions and weather, I’ve come up with the following calculations:

Budweiser decal = +115 horsepower
M & M’s decal = +77 horsepower
Pennzoil decal = +75 horsepower

Red Bull decal = -30 horsepower
U.S. Army decal = -42 horsepower
Furniture Row decal = -175 horsepower

This is simple math, folks. The stickers are adding or subtracting significant amounts of engine power – by my calculations.

My recommendations to those drivers wallowing in the depths of the NASCAR standings? Better decals.

Try these cool ones on for size:

NASA
Ferrari
Boeing
Lockheed-Martin
Apple iPhone

All guaranteed to add at least 100 horsepower.

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The NBA - Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

(Below is a post I wrote for my friend's website. The site is called "The Love of Sports." It's a cool site, so please check it out. There's a whole lot more than what I wrote - a bunch of daily columns, videos, and pics from across the sports world.)

“Fantasy basketball is just like real basketball. Except different. Now here’s a dollar. Go wash my car.” That’s what my father always said. And truer words have never been spoken by man or beast. Even so, it’s important to remember that the fantasy clubhouse is still a place of complex interpersonal dynamics - just like a real-life NBA clubhouse. You have the infighting, the bickering, the showboating, the having sex with other players’ wives and girlfriends, etc. etc. Except it’s all imaginary. Did Kobe Bryant just throw a chair at his teammate Dirk Nowitzki? “Dirk, did you steal Kobe’s iPod?” Not in my fantasy clubhouse he didn’t. I run a tight ship.

We’ve all assumed that the imaginary relationships between the players on our imaginary teams have nothing to do with their actual success on the court during the real NBA season. Oh really? Is that so? How can you be so sure? Why is it if I wear my 76ers jersey inside-out, and sit on the left side of the sofa while eating a piece of cheese with two fingers in my right ear, they always hit a three and win the game? (Happened once in 1989. Not kidding.) And why couldn’t the positive vibes flowing from my fantasy locker room make it out to the real world, and vice versa? That’s what I’m here to find out. I’m going to spend this season focusing on the good, the moral, the wholesome, the honest in the NBA. And see if we can field a winning team.

I believe that sports is a reflection of life, and the sporting heroes that we worship on a daily basis not only teach us about victory and defeat, perseverance and humility, but in addition, they teach us how not to act. Don't beat up your wife or your dog. Don't drive your $120,000 Bentley into the river. Don't make a rap album. Don't take steroids. And so on and so forth.

Unfortunately for the youngest of fans - the most naive and impressionable of them all - it may seem as though the most troublesome behavior off the court leads to the greatest success on it. Let's be honest, many of the most exciting athletes around today are also the most likely to end up in an exciting police chase.

Yes, we'll always have to deal with the bad apples and their chronic legal problems, and the prima donnas who believe they're the most important ones in the locker room. But do you actually need any of these bad men on your team in order win? Admittedly, it IS all about winning in the end - especially when it comes to fantasy sports. My theory is, yes, you can field a dominant team that doesn't feature any former felons. You don't need a guy on your squad who keeps a Glock 9mm in his glove compartment. You do need a guy who just wants a hug after making that clutch shot.

My team’s name is The Centerfolds – the roster is beautiful from top to bottom, inside and out. My players have become fast fantasy friends. They eat lunch together in the fantasy commissary. They travel together in the fantasy hovercraft. They play friendly games of Yahtzee! and Pictionary, huddled in front of the fire in the fantasy log cabin, built into the side of a mountain deep in the Great Smoky Mountains. But no, they do not shower together in the fantasy locker room, while whipping each other with towels and spraying one another with shaving cream. That’s not part of this fantasy basketball world. Sorry.

The Centerfolds travel in style, to any venues located near water. Otherwise they travel by fantasy school bus.

Inside, you might just find nice guys Yao Ming and Ray Allen playing a game of pinochle during a fantasy off-day.

In any case, you’ll be following their adventures this season, with me as your guide and moral compass. They’re all really nice guys, so this should be quite a bit of fun for everyone.

Listen to this post.

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