Wednesday, April 02, 2008

More Complaining Due To Lack Of Internet

(An article for The Love Of Sports, in which I complain yet again about my current lack of internet. I guess it's really getting to me. I don't know. You won't have to listen to me whine about it after this though - I promise.)

The fantasy baseball season is officially rocking and rolling.

What a terrible time to be moving into a new apartment.

You may be asking - What on God’s green earth does that have to do with sports?

The answer? Plenty. More than you could ever possibly imagine.

You see, I’m currently living a full-fledged fantasy baseball (and to a lesser extent, fantasy basketball) nightmare.

Now you’re probably wondering:

- Was my team devastated by injuries during Spring training?

- Did I mistakenly draft the wrong Ryan Braun in the first round (scrub pitcher for the Royals, instead of stud third baseman for the Brewers)?

- Am I upset with my team name and the league commissioner won’t allow me to change it?

No, almost, and maybe - although I’m not going to make a big stink about the team name thing.

Anyway, the abomination to end all abominations is the fact that my new apartment, as of right now, DOES NOT HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION.

The cable guy will be mounting a rescue mission on Saturday to hook us up, so relief is in sight. But until then, I must endure the horror, and the painful cramps of withdrawal.

The first thing that comes to mind as I reflect upon my current state of disconnectedness is the familiar saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”

To take it a step further – and to borrow some lyrics from the “Chicago” smash-hit soft-rock love ballad “Hard Habit To Break”:

Living without you is all a big mistake.

Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take.

I’m addicted to you (internet), you’re a hard habit to break.

And to quote Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young – in yet another ballad of loving and losing – “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

In other words, I can still access the mobile internet on my cell phone, but it just ain’t the same as a high-speed cable connection.

And so, I sit huddled in the corner of my new living room, buttocks firmly planted on the freshly waxed floor (we don’t have any chairs yet), surrounded by so many unpacked boxes, endlessly mumbling the refrain to my own song of internet mourning:

The internet’s been my best friend for years.

Now I realize it, and it’s bringin’ me to tears.

This sorrow that I’m feelin’ is not just about baseball.

It’s NBA, it’s college hoops, it’s Skype long distance phone calls.


Yes internet I miss you.

Sweet internet I need you.

When you’re not here I won’t eat, I won’t speak.

And without you, recently injured Victor Martinez will stay on my roster all week.

(Repeat 4x)

The melody is basically three repeating power chords on the electric keyboard, with a slow electronica beat.

In any case, as an avid fantasy sports fan I’ve come to really appreciate the power of the internet. It’s hard not to take it for granted. And it’s become the lifeblood of any sports fan, fantasy or otherwise.

Let’s face it, nobody reads the newspaper anymore for sports scores and injury updates. ESPN is good, but who wants to sit through 20 minutes of golf, soccer, and tennis highlights, when all you want is the damn baseball box scores.

The internet is there 24/7, for all your sporting needs. It never gets tired, although it occasionally refuses your query or can’t find the page you’re looking for. But it always apologizes in such instances.

So yes, the internet is a dear, dear friend of mine. And I miss it something awful.

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