Friday, April 18, 2008

Fast Food Fallout

A federal judge recently upheld a New York City regulation which requires restaurant chains to show the caloric content of all their menu items - not just the low-fat choices.

It's a good thing for the people who are interested in watching their diet.

But I fear it may lead to some cardiovascularly dangerous games.

What about all of the hyper-competitive teens and college students in and around the city? Well, Mayor Bloomberg, you've just given them another perilous contest to focus their competitive energies on.

The High Calorie Challenge. In other words, who can eat the most calories at a single meal?

Previously, it would have been almost impossible to initiate such a competition. You'd have to have a mobile food science lab handy, complete with calorimeter and Bunsen burner, in order to measure the calories in your food.

But thanks to Bloomberg and his hubris, we're getting that info shoved down our throats. Don't tell me that a 2,000 calorie bacon-beef alfredo-smothered triple cheeseburger is bad for me!! I don't want to know that!!

I can see it now:

Two groups of young people walk into T.G.I. Friday's. They already know the menu by heart. In fact, that's one of the requirements of this challenge.

They square off, on opposite sides of the large booth in the corner - near the restrooms.

In the first round, one team orders appetizers, the other entrees. They switch during round two.

Team One brilliantly picks the jalapeno poppers - and asks for them to be fried twice. That's an extra 600 calories!

Team Two orders the Jack Daniel's Hungry Man Ribs 'n Cheese platter - 2 pounds of ribs, smothered in cheese sauce and deep fried in beer batter. They surprise their opponents by ordering a pint of ranch dressing on the side. Total calories? 12,500, including the dressing.

Team One counters with the Dom Deluise Crab, Cheese, and Corn Oil dip. It comes with homemade potato chips, and fried chicken wings for dipping. 2,200 calories per serving!!

But Team Two knows they have their opponents on the ropes. If they can consume enough calories during round one, they'll basically have it locked up. The death knell for Team One is upon us. They order the bacon-wrapped ribeye, with a side of fries and broccoli 'n cheese dipping sauce. 8,000 more calories.

Finally - as something of a backhanded bitch-slap to their bitter rivals - they ask that their napkins be deep-fried, along with the table cloth. These are eaten slowly, as they savor their victory.

The paramedics - who are present during every match, also according to city regulations - assist all of the competitors, with stomach pumps and defibrillators.

No comments: