Friday, July 25, 2008

Why Do We Do What We Do When We Drive?

"Gaper Block"


"Gazing Gridlock"

"Bunch of Asshole Drivers Slowing Down to Stare at Someone Who Has a Flat Tire on the Side of the Road"

Whatever you call it, it’s one of the most frustratingly idiotic phenomena of the civilized world.

If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic, then with little doubt, you’ve experienced this frustration. Unless, of course, you’re the first dickhead to slow down and gawk at the slightly damaged fender of a car that was gently sideswiped by a U-Haul.

Why do so many drivers slow down to a crawl with the slightest flicker of police lights up ahead?

Is this an evolutionary thing? Is it natural, pre-programmed, unavoidable behavior?

If so, then I’ve lost a great deal of respect for the human race - and lost an even greater amount of hope for our future.

Sometimes, when I’m in the midst of one of these jams, I feel an overwhelming urge to grab each driver ahead of me and give them a vigorous shake - as if they were Magic 8-balls, and the question was “Why do you find an overheated station wagon so goddamn intriguing?”

"Reply hazy, try again."

This massive traffic jam was caused by a man who pulled over to let his dog urinate by the side of the road. Fascinating spectacle!!

Guess what jerks? Everyone’s fine. There’s not a drop of blood to be seen. So why must you slow down and gape at that overwhelmingly uninteresting scene on the side of the road?

It’s not as if the Swedish Bikini Team’s RV just slammed into a tanker truck full of tanning oil.

It’s not like you’re driving by the Yankees team bus, split in half, engulfed in flames, with Jeter and A-Rod trapped in the now exposed lavatory – frozen in a nude embrace.

And it’s not like the Highway Patrol just pulled over Bin Laden and they’ve let loose 3 K-9 units to chase him down along the shoulder.

No. Simply put, it’s raining and some asshole skidded into some poor idiot, and one of their bumpers is now dented. They’re both on their cell phones – one with his wife, and the other with his parole officer.

That’s it.

Now please maintain your normal highway speed so I can get home.

Subscribe to my sweet feed


Anonymous said...

Bro, I hate that stupid rubbernecking bullshit. But I still have to admit that I look too.

Dennis said...

You know what I always say when I'm stuck in unnecessary traffic that causes me to be a 1/2 hour late for work:

Someone better have died for all this traffic.

More often than not, no one died and I am more pissed than I was before.

Anonymous said...

Agreed. I also find drivers from Mass exceptionally dreadful behind the wheel. I'm pretty sure that they are the #1 offenders of rubbernecking.
P.S.- Dennis sounds angry..stear clear from that guy while on the road.

The Mill said...

Dennis is an angry young man, but an excellent driver.

He's a big NASCAR enthusiast, so we're all safe when he's on the highway.

Dennis said...

I guess I'm angry because I know it should only take at most 45 minutes to get to work, but add on stupid traffic and it's sometimes 1 hour and 15 minutes to get in.

Anonymous said...

I hear ya Denny...Commutes suck, traffic sucks, Drivers from Mass. That's why you need to take that hot little crotch rocket of yours to work.
One thing that does NOT suck- I Am The

p.s.-just finished my first Triathlon!

Dennis said...

Is Breezy back?

The Mill said...

That anonymous poster has to be the Breeze-meister.

Glad to see you're still poaching your neighbor's wireless internet.

Unknown said...

Gawkers as they call these people in the Midwest!