Things are going well in Spain. The people here have a good time. Hardly anyone speaks English. The beer is pretty good. Dunkin Donuts is called "Dunkin Coffee" for some reason - even though they still primarily sell donuts there. The Spanish word for donuts is "donuts" in case you were wondering. I hope to get to the bottom of this before we leave. At the very least, I will have worked out some kind of theory.
The dogs do not respond to my Spanish greetings or commands.....so far.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Dispatch From Madrid
Friday, April 25, 2008
Testing My High School Spanish Skills
Jaimi and I are headed to Madrid tonight. We'll be there for a week's vacation.
Not sure what kind of internet connection I'll have - I think Spain, as a country, is connected to the rest of the global village by some sort of wires or cables. But I don't know if it will be as fast as my cable modem.
I have very little patience for slow internet connections, and so, if I'm getting consistently slow upload/download speeds, then you may not hear much from me until I return on May 3rd.
I may be asking some of you for help with setting my fantasy baseball roster.
In any case, we'll take plenty of photos of Spanish historical sites, and Spanish cultural landmarks, and Spanish people, and of course, Spanish dogs. I can't wait to talk to the dogs in Spanish.
"Hola perro! Te gustan huesos y carne? Si? Muy bien. Me gustan para masticar en los huesos, tambien." (Hi dog! Do you like bones and meat? Yes? Very good. I like to chew on bones also.)
It should be fun. Although my accent is quite poor, so the dogs may have trouble understanding me.
If I make it to a bullfight, you'll definitely get a detailed account - complete with relevant social commentary, and the imagined thoughts and feelings of the bulls. I'm bringing a bright red shirt just in case.
Hasta mas later chicos y chicas!! I will drink a cerveza in your honor!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Mill Is A Man Of His Word
If nothing else, I'm an honorable gentleman.
I live by a code of pure gentlemanliness - an urbane credo of decorum. The Mill's Manifesto.
My word is my bond.
Go ahead, ask around. I doubt you'll hear anything to the contrary. As long as you only ask my Mom.
Besides, if you don't believe me, you can kiss my ass.
Anyway, a while back I held a contest - my first refer-a-friend drive - whereby I offered a free I Am The Mill t-shirt to anyone who got the most people to visit my site and leave a comment.
The results were spectacular........Spectacularly disappointing. The winner was able to get 3 people to visit.
But nevertheless, as with any contest, there was a winner. And that winner was promised a free t-shirt.
So, please allow me to unveil the November 2007 winner of The Mill's 1st Refer-A-Friend Drive. Mr Dennis Hui. The awards ceremony was held earlier today amidst a cheering throng of office cubicles:
The honorable Dennis Hui - former fashion model, and finest gentleman - sports the newest "I Am The Mill" design.
Semi-flammable, 25% cotton, 100% original.If you're interested in getting your dirty little hands on one of these totally sweet shirts, let me know. I may be able to find one in your size.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Earth Day - Did You Miss It?
Yesterday was Earth Day.....I think.
My estimate is that half the population didn't remember. Again.
Instead, we're too busy watching baseball, or the stock market, or Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of a nightclub.
It's a shame, really. Because the Earth is a pretty important thing - in my humble opinion. It's time to give the Earth some props. It's a pretty great place in a lot of ways.
I mean, we live here, we go to parties here, and we play with dogs here.
We can buy and drink beer here, eat bacon here, and watch "The Daily Show" here.
Where else can we do all of this stuff, and still be able to bet on a horse race down at the OTB?
The answer? Probably nowhere else. Earth is da bomb.
We've got water to swim in, mountains to climb, deserts through which to drive dune buggies, and abandoned warehouses in which to throw raves.
We can skateboard along our roads, or get Skip Barber to teach us how to race a Porsche down those same asphalt thoroughfares.
Can't do any of that shit on Mars, Jupiter or Venus. That's for sure.
So maybe, on this day-after-Earth-Day, we should all take a moment and give thanks to Mother Earth for letting us do pretty much whatever we want on her. And also for being such a totally sweet place to film another Jackie Chan movie. Or for having a strong enough gravitational field to keep all of our Xbox 360's from floating out into space. Otherwise, how could we play Grand Theft Auto 4 while smoking a cigar and eating a slice of cold pizza, in our underwear?
Once again, the answer? Nowhere else but Earth.
So TODAY, turn off that faucet while you're brushing your teeth. Keep your carbon dioxide emissions to a minimum. Refrain from releasing heavy metals (lead, cadmium, uranium, etc.) into the groundwater. And carpool or take mass transit to work. It's the least we can do to give back to our totally awesome home - The Earth.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Philadelphia To Choose The Next President? Uh Oh!!
Philadelphia is a real hotbed of Presidential Primary excitement right about now.
I should know. I just spent the weekend there.
The signs are out in force. “Vote Obama” here. “Clinton 2008” over there. I also saw a “Hillary For President” sign jammed into a huge pile of dirt on the side of the road. I’m not sure if that was due to a clever Obama operative making a subtle statement, or a confused but resourceful Clinton supporter.
No matter where you go around town, a political fever hovers in the air like a malarial cloud. Wave after wave of hard-ass Clinton attacks and weak-kneed Obama rebuttals waft across every cheesesteak-cooking grill in the city.
Hillary Clinton claims that Obama's refusal to eat 3 of these in one sitting is "Un-American"The smells of thinly-sliced sirloin, fried onions, Cheez Whiz, and hopes for universal healthcare are ubiquitous in these parts.
You could smell it, feel it, taste it. The difference was palpable.
Or maybe it was just a little humid, and there was a raging tire fire somewhere in South Philly.
Smell of hot, flaming political rivalry in the air? Or was someone shooting propane tanks down by the old tire dump?In any case, it’s no surprise that the Pennsylvania Democratic Primary race hinges upon the voting preferences of the good people of Philly town.
For fair disclosure, I should let you know that I was born and raised in Philadelphia. I love the city, and even plan to move back there some day to buy a house and raise a family – or vice versa.
Rich in history - the first capital of the United States, and home of the Liberty Bell – it seems only fitting that Philadelphians should have such big influence on this all-important election. But even I feel a little uncomfortable about letting these folks decide who our next President will be. And like it or not, that’s essentially what April 22nd boils down to.
Keep in mind that this is the home of the notoriously unforgiving sports fans, who once booed Santa Claus during an Eagles game in 1968, and who, during a Phillies game 30 years later, threw batteries at an unassuming J.D. Drew.
My point is that, in Philadelphia, this type of behavior spans across generations. Hillary might do better with older Philadelphians – those who pelted Santa with snowballs during a football game. But Barack does well with the younger generation – who rained double-A’s down upon the head and shoulders of a mostly innocent outfielder.
Who will Philadelphia choose for us as the next President?Do either of these groups really know who’ll make a better nominee?
Do they know who has a better shot to beat McCain in the fall?
Should we wait and see for whom they vote, and then hope and pray that the other candidate wins the nomination?
Just kidding, fellow Philadelphians!! May your voices be heard on high!
Go Eagles!!!!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Unleavened Weekend - No Beer, No Bread, No Fun
Passover - the Jewish holiday which celebrates the Israelites' escape from Egyptian bondage.
It's a yearly celebration of the first degree - one of the most important times of the year for Jews, who often travel many, many miles along the New Jersey Turnpike to join their family and friends for the holiday.
For such a fantastic celebration, it seems like we should be able to have a beer with dinner.
Please God, gimme a break. I sat in traffic for 3 and a half hours this Saturday, trying to get to the Seder. And all I wanted when I arrived was a cold, yeasty, brew.
But alas, during Passover, Jews are forbidden from eating most grains, and anything with leavening. So no beer, whiskey, or Twinkies.
It's a way for us to give a little shout-out to Moses and the rest of the forefathers (and fore-bubbies) who didn't have time to let their bread rise, as they escaped from Pharaoh and his gang of meanies.
They suffered a lot back in the day, for years and years - at the hands of the Pharaoh, and then for 40 years in the desert. The least we can do is suffer a little bit by not eating bread or pasta for 8 days.
But still, back to the no-beer thing. It would seem to me that, after thousands of years of Passover celebrations, some inventive Jew would have come up with a way to make Kosher for Passover beer.
And whenever I need to quickly find an absolutely definitive answer to something I know little about, I checked Google. The search was simply, "Kosher for Passover beer," and I was not terribly surprised to find very few relevant results.
Apparently, a brewery in upstate New York called Ramapo Valley Brewery is the only damn brewery in the whole damn world that has even tried to make a beer for Passover. It's called the Passover Honey Lager. It doesn't sound very good, but I'd be more than happy to give it a try. It approximates real beer by using honey, molasses, and hops in the brew. No barley, wheat or other grains are used.
If anyone's actually tried this stuff please let me know.
Everyone knows the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. The plagues of locusts, vermin, and cattle disease. The smiting of the first born. The Nile transmogrifying into blood. And many other fun, wholesome, and hilarious stories of Passover.
Pharaoh was such a jerk for first enslaving my ancestors, then telling them they could go free, and then changing his mind at the last minute and chasing after them with his army.
I will never forgive him.
If only he had given the Israelites a little more time to let their bread rise, then I could be having a beer right now.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Fast Food Fallout
A federal judge recently upheld a New York City regulation which requires restaurant chains to show the caloric content of all their menu items - not just the low-fat choices.
It's a good thing for the people who are interested in watching their diet.
But I fear it may lead to some cardiovascularly dangerous games.
What about all of the hyper-competitive teens and college students in and around the city? Well, Mayor Bloomberg, you've just given them another perilous contest to focus their competitive energies on.
The High Calorie Challenge. In other words, who can eat the most calories at a single meal?
Previously, it would have been almost impossible to initiate such a competition. You'd have to have a mobile food science lab handy, complete with calorimeter and Bunsen burner, in order to measure the calories in your food.
But thanks to Bloomberg and his hubris, we're getting that info shoved down our throats. Don't tell me that a 2,000 calorie bacon-beef alfredo-smothered triple cheeseburger is bad for me!! I don't want to know that!!
I can see it now:
Two groups of young people walk into T.G.I. Friday's. They already know the menu by heart. In fact, that's one of the requirements of this challenge.
They square off, on opposite sides of the large booth in the corner - near the restrooms.
In the first round, one team orders appetizers, the other entrees. They switch during round two.
Team One brilliantly picks the jalapeno poppers - and asks for them to be fried twice. That's an extra 600 calories!
Team Two orders the Jack Daniel's Hungry Man Ribs 'n Cheese platter - 2 pounds of ribs, smothered in cheese sauce and deep fried in beer batter. They surprise their opponents by ordering a pint of ranch dressing on the side. Total calories? 12,500, including the dressing.
Team One counters with the Dom Deluise Crab, Cheese, and Corn Oil dip. It comes with homemade potato chips, and fried chicken wings for dipping. 2,200 calories per serving!!
But Team Two knows they have their opponents on the ropes. If they can consume enough calories during round one, they'll basically have it locked up. The death knell for Team One is upon us. They order the bacon-wrapped ribeye, with a side of fries and broccoli 'n cheese dipping sauce. 8,000 more calories.
Finally - as something of a backhanded bitch-slap to their bitter rivals - they ask that their napkins be deep-fried, along with the table cloth. These are eaten slowly, as they savor their victory.
The paramedics - who are present during every match, also according to city regulations - assist all of the competitors, with stomach pumps and defibrillators.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The Pope Comes To Town
(My weekly column from The Love Of Sports. It's not every day that the Pope comes to your town. Unless you live in The Vatican. And even there, it's not like it's very easy to get on the pontiff's schedule - even for a friendly game of bowling. I hear Benedict loves bowling. So now that he's in New York for a visit, I had to throw something out there on the topic.)
We all have our own special way of rooting for our favorite teams and players – fantasy or otherwise.
Sometimes, we find ourselves crossing our fingers when a beloved player is up to bat with runners in scoring position.
Other times, we cover our eyes and bite down on our hand during potentially pivotal plays - like I did during the 1993 World Series, whenever Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams was pitching. Depending on the importance of the particular play, blood may have been drawn.
With me, if you look closely, you can still see the bite marks.
We all want to believe that our cheers and our rituals will have some effect on the outcome of a game. And inevitably, we experience that occasion when we cheered real hard, and, lo and behold, our team won the game, or our guy hit a home run. So we keep doing it, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to a non-sports-fan observer.
- Hold your breath until the opposing team’s power play is over?
- Chug a 32-ounce beer every time your team scores a touchdown?
- Paint a big blue letter on your chest and stand outside in subzero temperatures, shirtless. During a blizzard.
- Sleep outside your favorite tennis player’s house for weeks on end, and not shave or shower until he/she wins a Grand Slam tournament.
Despite this seemingly irrational behavior, it all comes down to something called faith, no matter how you slice it.
And as illustrated above, each of us has our own brand of faith that we subscribe to when it comes to sports.
This begs the question - Does God/Jesus/Zeus/Buddha/Allah etc. really want our team to win more than anyone else’s?
And don’t you think the Yankees are taking it a step too far this year?
Pope Benedict’s visit to the Stadium – “The House That Ruth Built”, and I don’t mean the biblical Ruth - has been billed as just another leg of the pontiff’s journey through America – our first papal visit in almost 10 years.
Yeah right.
My theory?
The Steinbrenners arranged for the Pope’s entire trip in order to get him to bless their team – at their home stadium. After all, we know the Yankees are searching for something, anything that could help them return to the pinnacle of baseball – and dominate those damn, dirty Red Sox once again.
And although the Yanks couldn’t get Johan Santana, they did get Pope Benedict XVI. He might be the next best thing.
You might think that Pope Benedict is only good at blessing things, and spreading peace, love, and all that jazz. However, I’ve been told by senior Vatican officials that the current pontiff not only fires a fastball that lights up the radar gun at 99 mph, but he’s also got a knee-buckling overhand curve – which is a fantastic change of pace pitch.
He looks to be a solid number 2 or 3 starter – which is just what the Yankees need to get over the hump.
Pope Benedict's curtain call, after tossing 8 innings of shutout ball. He struck out everyone he faced, and miraculously turned Gatorade into Orangina - his favorite soft drink.They’ve got the offense. They’ve got the defense. They just need some pitching help. And a little lift from the hand of God. With Pope Benedict, they get a bit of both.
Only time will tell if the Yankees radical strategy will work.
All I’ll say is – to all of you Red Sox fans out there – you should PRAY that it doesn’t.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Amazon.com Is Spying On Me
I've always been happy with Amazon's service, and I particularly like their free Super-saver shipping promotion - which seems to be going on for a perpetually limited-time only.
But ever since I forgot to cancel my Amazon Prime subscription before the trial period was over, I've been forcing myself to order more stuff from Amazon in order to justify the cost.
In case you're not familiar with Amazon Prime, it's an extra service that gives you unlimited 2-day shipping for the year, for the low, low price of $79.00. Normally, the 2-day shipping costs an extra 5 bucks or so. Although I'm not really sure, as I had previously only used the free Super-saver shipping option.
I just never found myself in an emergency situation where I needed to order a Dustbuster, a cookbook, and a DVD all at the same time - and receive all of the items the next business day.
Anyway, what's done is done.
And yes, that's 79 bucks I wish I had back, but like I said, I'm trying to make the most of my mistake.
The first few items I ordered with my new Amazon Prime membership were books, and arrived within the estimated 2 business days after ordering. No problem.
I even ordered a few electronics items. Most notably, the ill-fated HD DVD player I bought for my Dad back in December - about 2 weeks before everyone agreed to stop making HD DVD's. The electronics items also arrived quickly and as scheduled, with no problems whatsoever.
More recently though, I've experienced almost supernatural service from Amazon.
An example:
Jaimi and I are going to Spain in a couple of weeks, and we really hadn't done any planning whatsoever. We're visiting a friend of hers who'll be able to show us around. But still, it makes sense for us to have some background info before we arrive.
So I ordered "Rick Steves Guide to Spain 2008."
I really think it shipped before I even placed the order.
As usual, I selected the 2-day shipping option, which is included at no extra charge (beyond the 79 bones I already dropped on my Prime membership). This was on Monday. In the evening.
I received the book on Tuesday.
I inspected the book and its packaging for any telltale re-entry burns or gamma ray damage - perhaps they shipped via space shuttle?
Everything appeared normal.
I looked for any signs of time travel - fossilized insects, woolly mammoth fibers, Charlie Chaplin's mustache hairs - but found nothing.
The only other possibility is that Amazon is spying on me. They knew I was going to order that book before I ordered it. They may have even known I'd order it before I knew I was going to order it.
This whole apartment is probably bugged.
Creepy.
If I had known that this intimate level of service was included with the Amazon Prime membership, I would have been sure to cancel before the end of the trial period.
Maybe it should be called Amazon KGB, or Amazon Patriot Act Edition.
I think I'll test it out with a refrigerator, or something equally massive and difficult to move. If it arrives in a day, then I know I'm being watched.
Don't make the same mistake. Cancel that free trial!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Battle Of The Bridges - Manhattan Versus Brooklyn
Versus
Dumbo, my new neighborhood in Brooklyn, is nestled comfortably between two iconic New York City bridges. We have the Brooklyn Bridge to the south, and the Manhattan Bridge to the north. Dumbo lies essentially in between - offering its residents a very difficult choice.
I've yet to hear any bickering in the streets over which bridge is the best - but now that I live here, I'm going to try to change that.
Don't be surprised, if the next time you're in Dumbo you hear the following:
"Hey kid! Quit looking at that stupid, big, blue hulking monstrosity (Manhattan Bridge), and turn your attention towards a REAL bridge - the Brooklyn Bridge!! Go get a Kleenex, you snot-nosed punk!!"
Or,
"Listen lady, you better put that camera away and keep walking. What you're aiming at is old as dirt, and built by slave labor (Brooklyn Bridge). If you're gonna take a picture of a bridge, then turn your big ol' self around and snap a shot of that magnificent steel structure over there (Manhattan Bridge)."
I personally believe that I'm very lucky to live so close to not one, but two suspension bridges. They're both very cool-looking. And they both offer a reliable route to and from Manhattan
Because, we as Americans can't accept the possibility that two things could be equally good, how does one decide which bridge is best?
Here are some important criteria that I've identified.
- Oldness
- Beautifulness
- Accessibility and congestion
- Appearances in film and television
- Number of Workers who died during construction
- Number of chief architects who died during the construction, and number of chief architects' sons who went mad and became invalids during the construction.
Oldness - Brooklyn Bridge wins by 26 years. It first opened in 1883, at which point it was the longest suspension bridge in the world. The Manhattan Bridge opened in 1909 - a relative teenager compared with the elderly Brooklyn Bridge. First point goes to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Beautifulness - I think there may be some debate on this point. But really, there shouldn't be. The Brooklyn Bridge is a timeless classic. The massiveness of its gothic stone towers give it an indestructible aura. If you don't think that it's much more aesthetically attractive than the Manhattan Bridge, then you are an asshole. Brooklyn Bridge is up 30-Love over the Manhattan Bridge.
Beauty in the form of a stone support tower. The Sophia Loren of bridge towers.
The Rosie O'Donnell of bridge towers.Accessibility and Congestion - It obviously depends upon construction delays and time of day, but I'd say that in general, the Manhattan Bridge is less congested. The Manhattan Bridge has 7 total lanes open to traffic, while the Brooklyn Bridge has only 6. Additionally, the Manhattan Bridge can handle bus and truck traffic, which the Brooklyn Bridge cannot. This may be bad for congestion, but it's good if you're moving a big truck full of your old crap from an apartment in Manhattan to a new place in Brooklyn. Brooklyn Bridge 2, Manhattan Bridge 1.
Manhattan Bridge as seen from Dumbo. You can almost smell the bus exhaust from here.Appearances in Film and Television - Both bridges have been filmed extensively. But I actually think the Manhattan Bridge has appeared more often. It's been featured in "King Kong", "Independence Day", "Live and Let Die", some stupid Steve Martin film, and "Armageddon" - among others. But the Brooklyn Bridge is the subject of Ken Burns documentary (cleverly called "Brooklyn Bridge") and is much more recognizable than the Manhattan Bridge. Let's call this one a wash. Still 2 to 1, Brooklyn Bridge is winning.
Number of Workers Who Died During Construction - No need for suspense. The Brooklyn Bridge wins this category by a landslide - similar to the panicked stampede that killed 12 more people soon after the bridge opened. 27 workers died during the construction, including the original designer, John Roebling - who died of tetanus after his foot was crushed in a ferry accident, pretty much before construction even began. As far as I can tell, nobody died during the Manhattan Bridge's construction. That's so lame. Come on Manhattan Bridge!! Can't you at least TRY to win this competition. Brooklyn Bridge is running away with the prize, 3 to 1.
Number of Chief Architects Who Died During the Construction, and Number of Chief Architects' Sons Who Went Mad and Became Invalids During the Construction - Brooklyn Bridge wins again. As mentioned above, the designer died early on. His son, Washington Roebling continued where his father left off, but soon descended into madness due to what must have been an awfully wicked case of the bends (decompression sickness). Brooklyn Bridge wins another one.
Ok, maybe this last one was a little unfair. I've been rooting for the Brooklyn Bridge all along. In my mind, it's not even close, and I've manipulated the score to reflect this.
Let me know what you think.
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