Monday, December 08, 2008

Perfect Pushup - Let the Experiment Commence

With all the incredible online deals out there during this time of year, it’s hard to not buy a few things for yourself while you shop for others. Go ahead, you deserve it. Also, the economy needs your help.

So the other day, as I purchased various wearable, edible, and/or electronical gifts for my friends and family, I decided to treat myself to the gift that keeps on giving.

You’ve probably already guessed it: I bought myself the Perfect Pushup kit, by BodyRev.

Maybe you’ve seen the infomercial. In fact, it’s almost impossibly unlikely that you’ve missed it. By perfecting the cumbersome push-up (one of the simplest and most tedious exercises known to man), the Perfect Pushup practically guarantees that within a few weeks you’ll be ripped like a rhino, and cut like a razor blade.

Results depend upon whether you do man pushups or lady pushups, as illustrated above. Lady pushups may result in body hair loss and an irrational attraction to diamonds. Man pushups may result in making you awesome.

I mean, look at the guy in the commercial. He’s got eight-pack abs, perfectly muscled pectorals, and incredible hair. That could be me in 21 days – if I follow the straightforward instructional video.

But wait, the DVD that was included in the package can’t be read by my DVD player. And my computer can’t seem to make heads or tails of it either. Not a problem, because the Perfect Pushups kit also includes an instructional poster. It’s laminated, in order to withstand splatters of sweat and smatters of protein shakes.

Because I’ve only used my Perfect Pushup once so far, I can’t really attest to its claims of radical alteration of one’s flabby physique. I don’t appear to be one bit altered so far. All I can say, however, is after doing about 15 Perfect Pushups, I can’t lift my arms above my head.

That’s something I used to be able to do with ease, I’m pretty sure. Also, if the numbness in my arms and shoulders doesn’t go away by the time I need to hammer out another set of Perfect Pushups (you alternate one day on, one day off) I’ll likely be asking for a refund.

In any case, if my body can handle it, I’ll be sticking with the routine. And before you know it, this doughy, pale, easily-bruised torso will be transformed into a taut, pale, jacked, ripped, granite-like work of human art.

There will be no before and after photos. I believe the most important changes happen to us on the inside. You know, like stronger tendons and improved circulation. You’d have to cut me open to see that kind if stuff – and that ain’t happening. Unless the results are REALLY amazing.

Stay tuned.

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Janet Webb said... ... good luck with your new regimen! I work for Perfect Pushup ... we have a YouTube channel with some cool YouTubes from fellow users ... check it out! And Alden Mills's blog, Charlie Mike, is a great spot for tips on how to get started w/the PPU.

The Mill said...

Janet, thanks for the info.

It is simply astounding that you found my blog within hours of my posting this.

You guys must have a special industrial-strength version of Google, or some shit like that.

My Perfect Pushup-ing is going well so far. I've been sore all week!

Anonymous said...

Mill -

You will have to let me know how the PPU works out. The General is pretty flabby these days.

carole said...

what i was gonna write:
you should've gotten jaimi that instead of a ring. and i trust electronical was sarcastic.

what made me change my mind:
janet webb's comment. it's pretty uber-creepy. (unless you actually know her.) with the recession, i imagine the ppu blog-searcher is somewhat expendable.

The Mill said...

Quick update - 12/16/08

I am sore as hell, all up in my chest and shoulders. I think I tore a rotator cuff or two.

I'll keep you all updated.

I am getting ripped!!

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