Thursday, December 18, 2008

Jewish Male Seeks Non-Christian for Meal in Chinatown on Christmas Eve

(The following personal ad will be going up on Craigslist in a couple of days. Jaimi will be out of town next week (celebrating our recent engagement without me) and ever since we started dating, I've ignored all of my friends - so now I have no one to have dinner with on Christmas Eve. See below - problem solved.)

Location: Chinatown. Restaurant of my choice, but I will take suggestions.
Time: Christmas Eve. Maybe seven-ish?

First off, I just got engaged last week. My fiancée will be away for the holiday.

I’m not looking for a date.

There will be no sex before, during or after the meal.

The only physical contact will be a hearty handshake when we meet, and perhaps a few high-fives during the evening if one of us makes a particularly sweet joke, or finds a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. You may also receive a pat on the back if we end up playing darts and you score a bullseye. Otherwise the only contact will be eye contact. And even that will be intermittent and non-obligatory.

About me: early 30’s, clean-cut, professional. I love my beer and I love my lady. I like the NFL, NBA, and MLB. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, and puppies. Chinese food is my favorite. Obviously, I’m also Jewish.

I’m a fan of the finer things in life – such as Moo-Shu chicken and Shrimp with Lobster Sauce. For me, General Tso’s Chicken is to be considered a delicacy for special occasions – and the night before Christmas falls neatly into that category. I’ll have plenty of money to pay for my dinner, but please don’t ask me where I got my “Bad Motherfucker” wallet from. I had it way before “Pulp Fiction” came out.

I’ve been told that I’m rather easy to get along with. I have a quick rapport with the working class. I’m witty, in a rancorously sarcastic kind of way. It may be unpleasant at first, but you’ll eventually get used it – again, so I’ve been told.

I know a little bit of karate, in case we make a wrong turn down a dark alley. I have no known food allergies. I will try anything once, as long as the restaurant has an up-to-date health inspection. Pig cheeks, fish rectum, squirrel eggs. If it’s deep fried, I’ll eat it.


Basically, I’m the perfect non-Christian Christmas Eve dinner buddy.

About you: I don’t really care. Sure, I’ll probably learn more about you during the meal unless you are a mute - but I’m very open-minded when it comes to having dinner with someone on a night when 95% of the country is celebrating the holiday with their loved ones.

You can be male, female, neither, or both. Black, White, Asian, Latino, or French. Hindu, Buddhist, Baha’i, or Muslim.

I guess you could also be Jewish. Like me.

My goal: have a pleasant meal with a stranger on a night when absolutely none of my friends or family are around. I plan to order the soup dumplings, and I don’t want to share those. But otherwise, we could get several dishes and eat family-style. I wouldn’t be against that.

I don’t really need any new friends, and please understand that you are joining me only because I have absolutely no one else to have dinner with. That being said, I promise to be completely courteous and respectful towards you – unless you turn out to be a complete douche bag.

If you’re interested, please let me know. I’ll be accepting applications up until noon on December 24th.

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Sara Cohen said...

Scott, you are welcome at my parent's on xmas eve. they throw one hell of a party and we'd love to have can even sleep sex of course!

The Mill said...

Sara, thanks for the offer.

Will we be having Chinese food? If not, I will be throwing a tantrum.

Anonymous said...

she better pony up soup dumplings or else she will feel the 'rath. and not in a good way.

Anonymous said...

You are always welcome in Philly. As you know we have a Chinatown, but we won't be there. We will be at the Swan Lounge in the Four Seasons Hotel. You are welcome to join us there. Guess Who.