Sunday, November 11, 2007

Secrets Of The Magic 8-Ball Not Revealed

I plan to include the Magic 8-ball as an integral part of my decision-making process at home and in the office - much more so than I do right now. Why not? It’s easy, reliable, unbiased and makes tough choices for you. Plus, it’s always right - because it can predict the future. A claim which I defy anyone to dispute. The only caveat is that you have to ask a yes or no question. Otherwise, you’re likely to be confused. For example, “Magic 8-ball, do I turn left or right at this intersection?” You give the 8-ball a brisk shake, and it replies, “Reply hazy, try again.” The intersection is now in your rearview, and you’re utterly lost. Thanks a lot, stupid Magic 8-ball.

It's not stupid though. Don’t blame the 8-ball! It’s the user who must learn the secrets of this powerful, mystical and ancient (invented in 1946) liquid-filled device. You need to know the proper way to phrase your questions. Remember, yes or no questions. That is the key.

As a small child, before I learned any science, I believed the Magic 8-Ball could actually predict the future. Although there are twenty possible answers the 8-ball can give, they all boil down to yes, no, or maybe - which can be rather frustrating for a child still learning the complex nuances of the English language. I wanted so badly to ask the Magic 8-ball all sorts of questions. Will I have ice cream for dessert tonight? Will the Phillies win the World Series this year? Who stole my bike out of the garage? Did my brother sell it to the neighbor's kid? How much did he get for it? What will happen if I stick a G.I. Joe in the dog's ear? And so on and so forth. The Magic 8-ball performed flawlessly with some of these questions, but results were miserable and completely unreliable with others. I just couldn't count on it. And after 5 or 6 years of asking the 8-ball question after crucial question, I stowed it away in a shoebox, under the bed, in the closet or buried in the backyard. Not sure exactly where it went. In any case, I've been looking and I can't find it now. But here's a new Magic 8-ball I'm itching to purchase:

The Perfect Pink Prognosticator

Yes, it's a designer 8-ball from Juicy Couture. And yes, it's sleek, chic, and pink. Perfect for a man's man such as myself. And only $35 retail here. Not bad. I'm hoping the new Juicy model will offer more options for question-asking. I mean, I have to assume that this specialized 8-ball will be able to help with important day-to-day dilemmas, like what to wear and what to eat (or not eat), etc.

For example:

Me - 8-ball, do you like me in these jeans?
8-ball - From this angle your ass looks huge.


Me- Yo 8-ball, what should I order for dinner. Pizza or Chinese?
8-ball - Neither. All signs point to your fat gut, and it disgusts me.

And even:

Me - Dear Magic 8-ball, I've been having chest pains for the last 2 weeks or so. Along with these pains, I've felt a tingling sensation down my left arm. What should I do?
8-ball - Stop being a pussy.

All helpful answers, and all similar to the advice you'd receive from a professional. Seems to me that the Magic 8-ball could replace doctors, lawyers, personal trainers and financial/fashion advisors. Not to mention teachers, government officials, and law enforcement. At the very least, the 8-ball's always been great entertainment for cocktail parties, and cold lonely nights in graduate school. And if you crack one open, the blue liquid inside actually tastes quite nice with a twist of lemon and a splash of vermouth. However, the little tumbling icosahedral fortune die is rather difficult to chew, and tastes like a refrigerator magnet. I can’t recommend you try it.

So go ahead and dig up that old Magic 8-ball. If you can't find it, you could also buy a new one from Neiman Marcus, or your local Church of Scientology. Put your faith in its powers, and see how well it can predict next Sunday's football games. If you need proof, my Juicy Couture 8-ball picked the Rams over the Saints, AND the Broncos over the Chiefs. But it mistakenly thought the Steelers would cover the spread against the Browns. Not bad, Magic 8-ball. Nobody's perfect. But I'll always abide by your advice.

Me: Should I drink this milk even though the expiration date was 3 months ago?
8-ball: Signs point to yes.
Me: Whatever you say my spherical sidekick.

Listen to this post.


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