Thursday, November 08, 2007

Do Nice Guys Finish Last? #2

(Another installment of my column from The Love of Sports website - I'm trying to field a successful fantasy basketball team with exactly zero criminals or philanderers on the roster)

The first week of this young fantasy basketball season is behind us. And I must say, the future looks very bright. My team, The Centerfolds, are playing well, and have quickly melded into a cohesive unit of good will and brotherly love, so to speak.

We were off to a rocky start though. Last week’s draft was a little touch ‘n go, especially with the technical difficulties that disabled my internet during rounds 7 through 15. The system automatically picked players for me while I was gone. I’ve never heard of a few of the computer’s choices, but after a quick FBI background check, I’ll decide whether they stay or go. Here’s a quick rundown:

Round one, the ninth pick overall, brought Yao Ming (C, Houston Rockets) into my life. What a nice guy! He’s learning English, but never feels the need to trash talk in any language. He’s 7 feet 6 inches tall, but never scares small children….purposefully. Plus he’s appeared in some rather funny commercials. That’s what I call a gentle giant, and exactly the kind of guy I want as my team’s anchor. This guy can block shots all day long, and he’s a monster on the boards. But when I say “monster” think Shrek, and not Frankenstein.

Next pick for The Centerfolds was Ray Allen (SG, Boston Celtics). A dazzling smile, silky-smooth jumpshot, and easygoing demeanor are just a few of Mr. Allen’s credentials. Why doesn’t this guy have endorsement deals with every consumer goods company on the planet? Not to mention, he hits three or four 3-pointers per game and is lights-out at the free throw line – a great compliment to Yao’s gutsy game. We’re not just looking for nice guys to fill up the roster. There’s a little strategy involved here, believe it or not.

Moving right along, The Centerfolds drafted Kevin Durant number 3 (nice, young kid out of Texas, and recent college player of the year), Caron Butler 4th, and LaMarcus Aldridge number 5. We then added a nice little point guard named Andre Miller from my hometown 76ers with our 6th pick. All nice guys, all happy to be on the same fantasy team.

Everything was going swimmingly, and, of course, it was at this point that my computer crapped out. I spent the next 30 minutes in a panic, trying ANYTHING I could think of to fix the problem. I turned the computer off, and turned it back on. I shut down, and booted up again. I unplugged the power supply and plugged it back into the wall. I ordered a pizza. I called the computer a bad name and threatened to injure its hard drive. In other words, I tried absolutely everything. No luck. Nothing worked. I began to think my season was star-crossed from the outset.

Then I turned my wireless router back on. That’s right. In my excitement, or during a quick bathroom break, I must have jarred loose the power supply. It was a real nightmare. But I have a fantasy team to manage, and I don’t make excuses. We’ll just have to make the best of an unfortunate situation.

So the draft didn’t go exactly as planned. It probably wouldn’t surprise anyone if I immediately performed some serious restructuring of my fantasy organization. But wait, what about the team’s performance during week 1?

We’re in a head-to-head league, meaning you play against one team each week, competing across nine categories – one point per category. So the best you could do in a week is 9-0. And guess what? My team didn’t do that. But we came pretty darn close. A 7-2 win was the final tally. And just like that, we’re sitting on top, looking down on the thugs, hotheads, and domestic abusers sprinkled throughout the rest of the league. But we’re not ones to gloat. No sir.

As a form of celebration, we took a ride in The Centerfolds fantasy tour bus, and I treated my team to a round of fantasy golf – miniature golf, that is. And a few games of fantasy Skee-ball. Kevin Durant can fit about six of those balls in his hand at once. He won like 10,000 fantasy Skee-ball tickets!! And he traded them in for a Shetland pony – a live one. It was insane.

Kevin Durant's new pony. 10,000 tickets from fantasy Skee-ball, but the look on his face was priceless when the pony curled up in his lap.

Anyway, I plan to delight my team with many more fantasy reward excursions this season. Hell, even if they have an off week, I’ll still take them to fantasy McDonald’s for some fantasy French fries. Also, Yao Ming’s mom baked fantasy cupcakes. They were delicious.

Tune in next week for more fantasy baked goods. Oops, I mean basketball.

Listen to this post.


Anonymous said...

no audio???? this sucks. i'm going back to i am nanni.

The Mill said...

Don't fret Mr. Anonymous. I will be in my recording studio this evening. Unfortunately for everyone, the Mill has a day job.

Jay said...

lol, a pony curling up in your lap?
thats a little creepy!

The Mill said...

Ponies love to curl up in people's laps. That's what they do! Oh wait, I'm confusing ponies with dogs again. My bad.