Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Google Yourself - A Means To Measure Personal Success

I perform a Google search on myself almost daily, in part, to make certain I actually exist. Google’s 200,000 servers CANNOT be wrong. But even more than that, Google results can give you an accurate idea of how your personal success stacks up against others. The more Google entries, the greater contribution you’ve made to society. Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely not bragging here. My feats are not all that substantial, in any sense of the word “substantial.” Or the word “feats.” Or even the word “my.” Even so, it’s quite fun to see my name on the computer screen sprinkled across more than a handful of web pages.

Typically, searching for my name yields information about where I went to school, some Chemistry publications I wrote in grad school, and numerous entries from this here blog. But occasionally, (and this is another reason I check regularly) I’ll find a new entry - a new search result that seemingly sprung from the froth of the internet ocean. Is that really me? When was I quoted by that small town newspaper in Kentucky? They were asking me about why I’m picketing in front of a Laundromat? In nothing but a top hat and jock strap? While wearing roller skates? And then it all comes rushing back.

So Google is useful for occasionally jogging one’s memory. It’s also great for investigating the background of a potential blind date. But perhaps it’s most useful function is to make you feel better about yourself by Googling people you went to grade school with. If you haven’t done so recently (which I find difficult to believe) you should really give it a try.

Ever try this Google thing? It's pretty neat. Use it to see if your nemesis from kindergarten is now in jail.

How about the bully who stole your lunch money in 2nd grade? Go ahead and Google him. Chances are he’s been arrested for writing bad checks, or was involved in a conspiracy to defraud little old ladies. Maybe his name doesn’t even appear in Google’s search results. That’s equivalent to never being born. Why even bother? The daily drudgery of life - a never-ending waterfall of frustration, boredom, loneliness, and pain. AND you have no Google results to show for it? That would be far too much to bear.

Now what about the prettiest girl in 6th grade – the one who wouldn’t let you buy her French fries or carry her books because you were an integral member of the “Nerd Herd.” So what if you never stopped staring, and followed her around after school and on weekends, at a distance of usually around 50 yards or so. Big deal. Anyway, type her name into Google. Don’t worry about her having a different last name now. She’s most likely never married, or is thrice divorced and has reverted to her maiden name. If you can even find anything amidst Google’s definitive database of everything mankind’s ever done (that’s worth a shit), then it probably refers to the girl’s record-breaking weight gain. Or some type of crime spree. Nothing makes you feel better than the knowledge that those you dislike are safely stowed away in prison.

Go ahead and satisfy your curiosity. Google a few people whom you suspect haven't done shit with their lives. Even better, Google those jerks from your past whom you pray haven't done shit. I'm confident you'll be satisfied with Google's search results. Also, throw in a Google search or two just to make sure that you yourself exist - and aren't just a part of the Matrix, or a figment of my imagination.

Just be careful. All this Googling can be addictive.

Listen to this post.


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