Sunday, November 04, 2007

I Want a Panda

These things are pretty cute and cuddly. They’re like three-hundred pound stuffed animals, with sharp claws and strong legs. But nevertheless, I want one. A baby one, preferably. Just take a look at this little cuddly puppy-monkey:


Awww. Holy shit, this thing is cute.

Technically, the panda is neither puppy nor monkey. I’ve been considering panda ownership for the past two or three days, and during that time, I’ve learned a tremendous amount about this remarkable species. The giant panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, “black and white cat-foot”) is a mammal, in the bear family. Its native habitat is central and southwestern China, but seems to enjoy and gravitate towards small concrete holding pens in American zoos. Through my intense studies, I’ve also learned that the panda likes to build nests out of shredded newspapers and empty soda cans. This is where they lay their eggs. The female panda is usually the one who lays the eggs, about a dozen at a time. The babies hatch after six months, and slither into the mommy’s pouch. The tiny, bald, pink, blind panda will remain there for six to eight weeks while feeding on meat regurgitated by the mother.

After this initial period of development, the baby panda will become very playful and terrifically cute. All the baby wants to do is cuddle with its mommy, and perform cute tricks for humans. The period of time in a baby panda's life, from eight weeks to eight months of age, is known as “The Golden Time,” during which the baby panda neither eats nor defecates. But rather, the fuzzy darling simply plays with everything and everyone in sight, and generally acts as adorable as panda-ly possible.

At the age of nine to twelve months, the panda resumes eating, and quickly grows to weigh one-hundred pounds or more. It is at this point that the animal becomes dangerous and difficult to control. The simple solution is intravenous tranquilizers, which causes the panda to revert to its former docile and more adorable state. If, however, local, state and/or federal laws prohibit the purchase and distribution of IV tranquilizers to pandas, then you’re shit out of luck. You’ve got a wild animal on your hands, after all. Generally speaking, two or three large dogs will be able to help you corral the juvenile panda into the back of your S.U.V. or pickup truck for transport to local Animal Control authorities.

Doctors administer tranquilizers to this unruly, wild monster before it hurts someone.

In any case, pandas are great fun for the first nine months of their lives. They seem like they’d make super-fun pets. And yes, baby pandas would make great pets. That’s why I want one so badly. But the important point I’d like to make is that adult pandas are rather temperamental, and could rip a man’s arm clean off if given the opportunity. So leave the care of older pandas to the professionals down at the zoo. If you’re currently caring for a baby panda, you’ll thank me for this advice. Get rid of it as soon as its cuteness begins to fade. Also, don't get your baby panda wet. And whatever you do, do not feed it after midnight.


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7 comments:

Dennis said...

I love listening to The Mill!

Susie said...

Perhaps if you had your "facts" correct, I'd laugh. Shall we start with panda development from the start?

Susie said...

Such as this incorrect statement in the first paragraph:
"I’ve also learned that the panda likes to build nests out of shredded newspapers and empty soda cans. This is where they lay their eggs. The female panda is usually the one who lays the eggs, about a dozen at a time. The babies hatch after six months, and slither into the mommy’s pouch. The tiny, bald, pink, blind panda will remain there for six to eight weeks while feeding on meat regurgitated by the mother."

Come on...giant pandas are endangered. Just give them the respect they deserve, not nonsense.

Eva said...

Perhaps you should do your research from a more credible source. Most of your "facts" are wrong. Moreover, animals will attack if they are threated, not just the giant pandas. If you will abandon an animal just because the "cuteness dies off," you shouldn't even consider having a pet, not even a dog!

Dennis said...

To susie and eva:

I think you don't get the whole point of this blog site.

The Mill was not trying to be serious or get his facts right.

Try reading some of his other posts and you'll get the idea.

The Mill said...

Wow. I never thought of this blog post as something that could possibly be misconstrued as controversial. And after reading it again (it's been a few months since I wrote the thing) I find it even harder to believe that anyone has taken it seriously. I half expect Ashton Kutcher to reveal himself as Susie or Eva. Perhaps I've been Punk'd? The truth is, I love pandas, and went to Atlanta to see Mei Lan in person last year - not that I feel the need to defend myself. Dennis is right, take a look at some of my other posts. I sure know that not everyone thinks I'm funny, but give me a break and lighten up a little bit. This is not an endangered species blog, or an educational blog. It's intended to be humorous, and that's it.

Janet said...

Oh for god's sake Susie. PU doesn't and never will have the authority over all things panda. Like the man said, lighten up and do something with your life besides screencap and coo all day and night.