I have something important I'd like to bring to everyone's attention. Perhaps you've already seen this. Check it out: http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_159222541.html
It's apparently not a joke. The Gay Bomb. The Pentagon considered using $7.5 million to develop it. The idea was to pack a warhead with enough pheromones to turn a corps of marines into a hardcore gay party. When the bomb went off, the enemy would be too distracted by his fellow soldier's beautiful camouflage-clad body, handsome unshaven face, and stunningly strong hands to continue the fight. The battlefield would soon look like the aftermath of Antietam, except the soldiers' bodies carpeting the ground as far as the eye can see would not be dead. And also everyone would be gay. And making out with each other. Etc., etc.
You're probably thinking that this idea is either pure folly or pure unadulterated absolute genius. I think it's neither, but rather somewhere in between. There are certainly ways by which this weapon could fail. I wonder what would happen if the enemy soldiers were already gay to begin with. Or even bisexual. Unless they knew they'd been hit with the Gay Bomb, they probably wouldn't see the attack as an excuse to have sex with their brothers in arms. Imagine this scenario:
You're a gay soldier. A big gay bomb explodes. You're still gay. And maybe now you're angry at whoever dropped the bomb. So you're an angry gay soldier ready to go buckwild on the enemy.
This doesn't sound like an advantageous tactical battle plan. Might as well throw urine-filled balloons at the enemy. That would piss just about anyone off, gay or straight.
Also what if you were straight. But turning you gay didn't make you want to have sex with your platoon-mates. Rather, you now wanted to have sex with your enemy - those who dropped the bomb on you in the first place!! The gay bomb falls. You turn gay. Your prime directive remains essentially intact - to force the enemy to surrender.......to your relentless sexual advances. A bit different than the standard, Geneva-Convention-approved, relentless artillery barrage, but equally as devastating. I think if your soldiers knew that the enemy was closing in, enraged, hell-bent, ferociously storming in on all sides to have unemotional sex with them, they'd be scared shitless. Much more so than if the enemy soldiers were straight, but were 10 feet tall, covered in hair, and all carried flamethrowers and rocket launchers. Which enemy would you choose?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Top Secret Weapon
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Ireland Trip: A Few Observations
I just returned from a weeklong excursion across Ireland with my girlfriend. We rented a car and drove from west to east, with several stops in between. It was quite nice, except for the weather. It endlessly pissed rain. Despite the extraordinary amounts of precipitation, I found the country to be warm, friendly, and full of beer. That's also an apt way of describing myself during the trip. Except for the warm and friendly part.
A few observations from our jaunt through the Irish countryside:
1) Water pressure is excellent - Clearly, they have plenty of water to go around. It is, after all, surrounded by water, dotted with lakes, and crisscrossed with rivers and streams. Bar none, the toilets had the most powerful flushing systems I've ever seen. I'd estimate the toilets at 8-12 gpf (gallons per flush). And I'm not exaggerating. It was insane. I think you could flush a cinder block if you wanted to.
2) Sheep everywhere - This probably comes as no surprise to most people, myself included. But you have to see it to really comprehend the magnitude of the sheep population. They're everywhere. Look at those rocks up on the hill! No, actually those are sheep. Looks at those funny dogs crossing the road. No, they're sheep. What a massive beard the bus driver has! No, again, it's a sheep.
3) Police are a nonpresence - The "Garda" as they're known in Ireland, don't make a habit of appearing very often in public. I saw 2 of them the entire time we were in the country. And that includes 2 days in Dublin (which is where I saw the Garda). This would lead me to believe that Ireland is either an extremely safe country, or an extremely dangerous one. I made it back with barely a scratch, so I'll let you be the judge.
4) No fitness centers....anywhere - The average Irishman eats about 1.5 times the daily recommended calories. At least that's what we read somewhere. But still, the populace did not strike me as particularly overweight. I'm pretty sure all of those fat people we saw were American tourists. So the lack of gyms or fitness centers is completely baffling. It's like an episode of 'The X-Files' or 'Lost'. I'm not sure how they stay fit. More research is needed. I may not be able to sleep until this one is solved.
5) Sun does not set until about 10:30pm during the summer - Now, if I had noticed the lack of fitness centers, the absence of police, and the late night sunshine all on the first day we were in the country, my mind would have officially been blown. We took a redeye into Shannon airport, and were totally exhausted when we finally arrived at the first bed 'n breakfast in the evening. I was basically going on 1 hour of sleep, and so was more than slightly delirious. I crashed at around 7:30 and fell asleep for 2 hours. When I awoke, it was still light outside. I dozed off again, waking in another half hour or so. Still light out. Again, dozed for another 30 minutes. Still light. It was crazy. No one had warned us about that, and it really threw me off kilter. That being said, I thought it was pretty cool once we got used to it.
6) Keys go into locks upside down - Not even sure this one's worth mentioning. The keys need to be inserted into the door locks with the smooth side up, ridges facing down. Not a big deal, or all that interesting. But it's a little like them driving on the other side of the road: it just doesn't work at all if you try to do it the way we do in the USA.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'll be collecting my thoughts on the trip itself.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Intern
What to do with the intern? This causes me great consternation. I feel bad. I mean, it's not like I think he can't do anything. It's just that I don't have anything for him to do. Naw mean? I've been in plenty of situations in the past where I'm bored and nobody has any work for me to do. And I'm not just talking about internships or crappy work-study jobs. Although some of those were legendary for their tiny amount of work assigned. I'll get into that later. Everyone has had those jobs where they barely have anything to do, and their bosses seem to be fine with it. It's a rite of passage. Sort of like a Bar Mitzvah, but less work and less of a party. And no rabbi, unless you're interning in a rabbinical school or something like that.
So maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about not giving him non-stop useful work? As Freud said, "The measure of man is his capacity to work and to love." Well, I sure hope this intern already knows how to love. Because he won't be learning how to work this summer. And teaching him how to love could open a swarming angry hive of Human Resources-related issues. So let's not go there.
If you have any ideas for what my intern could do for me, please let me know. I'm not allowed to ask him to wash my car, clean my apartment, take my girlfriend to dinner and a movie, wear a sundress to work, or get me coffee. If those were your ideas, please try to think of something else. Otherwise, I may have him staple blank sheets of paper together, remove the staples, staple the sheets again, remove the second set of staples and shred the paper. That's what I call summer intern edification.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Don't Trust Those Who Don't Like Dogs....
...is my motto. I have many mottos, but this is the one I live by, come hell or high water. Some of my other mottos include "I'll try anything once", "Whatever doesn't kill you makes me stronger (or something like that)", "I always bet on black", and "Rarely, if ever, eat anything you find in the trash".
It would be an oversimplification to say that people who like dogs are good and trustworthy, while people who dislike dogs are evil and perfidious. After all, I'm pretty sure Hitler had a dog. And a lot of times, Hollywood serial killers will feed one or more of their victims to their innocent, faithful doggies. So what is it about those people who don't like dogs? Why are they so shitty? It's hard to put a finger on it.
Dogs are the pure embodiment of joy and love on Earth. The Garden of Eden must have been overrun with terriers, and bichons, and golden retrievers. It's not hard to imagine God being really satisfied with this particular creation. But alternatively, if you're into evolution, it also seems quite reasonable that dogs are just wolves that learned to trust human beings enough to eat their garbage.
I don't know, maybe the folks who don't like dogs are the smart ones. Maybe dogs aren't so trustworthy themselves. I lost count of the times my childhood dog stole food from someone including me. Or how many times our current dog has pissed on the carpet. Why do we put up with it? These thieving, filthy, garbage-eating, malodorous mammals. Well, I have a one-word answer for you: Dogs are totally and competely awesome. How could you not love them? Looking into the doleful eyes of a drooling Labrador, or the bright hungry eyes of a beagle, you see the soul of a perfect companion: never utters a word; unerringly brave; always at your side; too dumb to realize the injustice of a leash; will eat its own vomit instead of letting it go to waste. Disgusting, yet charming, your leg spasms violently in an involuntary fashion when your belly is rubbed just so. Need I go on?
I think not. Oh dog, how we love thee.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Wii Cont'd
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Tuesday, May 15, 2007
More Wii
Another installment of Wii game ideas:
"Mannies and Peddies" - Choose your appendage: Hand or foot. Choose your tool: emery board or pumice stone. Choose your undercoat. Then choose your favorite color. Manipulate your Wii controllers as if you worked in an Asian owned-and-operated nail salon on the fringe of Chinatown. It's all the excitement of the fast-paced nail polishing world, with no whiny customers and a fraction of the noxious acetone fumes! Wii allows you to choose from an artiste's palette of over 65 million colors. Fine tune your skills to earn bigger tips. But don't forget to increase your efficiency at the same time. You need to keep those customers circulating from station to station. Otherwise you'll be sleeping in the dumpster out back! Get a glimpse into the harsh yet occasionally rewarding life of an indentured servant, er, I mean a Manicure Technologist.
"Screw Screw Revolution!" - This game has nothing to do about sex and everything to do about screws! Your Wii controllers are hand tools. You start out with screwdrivers. But not the electric kind. No. These are the old fashioned hand-operated, wrist-wringing, carpal-tunnel-inducing, ligament-straining kind. See who can screw the fastest! On your mark. Get set. Go!! Screw with one hand while holding the screw steady with the other. Otherwise you risk stripping the screw and having to begin all over again with a new screw. Choose from flathead, phillips or lugnut. You can even choose the high-speed Allens wrench level for some real fever-pitched action. Unlock secret levels to obtain the Golden Monkey Wrench of Ra, and the Titanium Torque Wrench of Jesus!! So it's not only screws. It's also nuts! Maybe they should call it "Screw Nuts Revolution!"
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Wii
If you've been living on Earth at any point during the last year or so, you've heard of the Nintendo Wii. It's a living phenomenon. I'm sorry to say I haven't had the honor of actually playing it yet, but I've heard it's way way cool and totally super sweet. Whoever invented it was a genius of Sisqo-like proportions (see "The Thong Song"). Not only is it innovative, technologically advanced, easy to use, and slightly magical, but it's also not particularly expensive. I don't know anything about programming video games, and I suspect it's not very easy. But I don't think that should stop me from coming up with new ideas for the Wii. If you can dream it, it can be a video game. That's always been my motto. So from here on out, I'll be coming up with fascinating and fantastical ideas for new Wii games. Hopefully, Nintendo will take note and hire me as a consultant. Or something. Anyway, I think the possibilities are quite literally endless. Think about it for a moment. Here are just a few examples of sure-fire best-selling games on the Wii.
"Whip Thyself!" - It's set in medieval times, with warring barbarian clans and sparring crusaders in the background. However, there's no need to worry about any of them. You need to concentrate on flailing your own back, chest and groin with the Wii controller. A selection of weighted, barbed attachments are included with the game. The first to pass out from pain or blood loss wins. That's right, it's a race! A race to purify yourself through self-flaggelation!!
"What's for Breakfast?!?" - You are a short order cook in a dingy diner, and you need to flip flapjacks, scramble eggs, and fry bacon as fast as you can! The action never stops. The thing with this game is that the Wii controllers are attached to real spatulas and you are standing in front of a real griddle in a real restaurant in a real seedy part of town. Nintendo currently has agreements with over 7000 crappy restaurants around the world where you can go and play the game! You leave the Wii module at home and simply show up at the restaurant ready for work. You don't get paid and there is no scoring system. But you are legally obliged to "play" for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 3 years. The game is utterly absorbing. A virtual world that seems almost too real to be a game. That's because you sign several reams of legal documents before you begin playing.
"Needle in a Haystack" - This game is pretty self-explanatory. You search a haystack, or series of haystacks, by removing pieces of hay one at a time until you find the needle. The Wii controllers are really quite sensitive! As an extra twist, sometimes there is no needle! However, most of the time you miss the needle the first time around and need to go back and search through the hay which you've already strewn about. As you advance, the wind speed increases (blowing the hay all around), it starts raining (washing hay and needles into a muddy mess) and earthquakes shake, rattle and roll the hay and needles eveywhere!! The game is nearly impossible to win, or for that matter, to enjoy.
So there you have the first in a long, long series of game ideas that will be posted to this site. Please feel free to comment or add your own favorite ideas. Maybe one of these days Nintendo will wake up and smell the cyber-coffee.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
I AM BACK!!
After a nearly 6 month hiatus (can you believe it?), I'm finally back in cyberspace. What I should say is that I'm finally back to blogging. I spend most of each day on the computer at work. And a substantial amount of time is used for internet surfing of a potentially non-work related nature. I cannot confirm nor deny the exact nature of my online activities during the working day, but I will admit to viewing the Atlanta Zoo's panda cam on more than one occasion. Is that work related or not? I work for a hedge fund.
I was motivated to reinitiate my blogging because of the quickly approaching Fantasy Baseball/Real Baseball season. I bought a book this season (Baseball Prospectus 2007), to help me figure out who's going to be good, and who's going to flame out. So with this newfound knowledge, perhaps I can help some of those who are less fortunate (i.e., don't have access to this particular book at the moment. But it's only like 12 bucks on Amazon). I think it's fairly likely that I won't actually post to this blog all that often, or perhaps ever again. But I give you my word that I will think about it occasionally, and feel a twinge of guilt every so often if I do not post at least once a week. That is my promise to you, the population of the earth. The human population of the earth.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
I am Invincible
Just got back from seeing the movie 'Invincible', starring Mark Wahlberg as a 30 year-old part time bartender from South Philly, Vincent Papale. It's based on Vince's true-to-life story. And it's probably the best Philadelphia Eagles movie ever made. Top 5, for sure. Vince tries out for the Eagles in 1976, and makes the team as a wide receiver. He's probably not much bigger than me. And we're the same age. So it got me to thinking: I HEREBY DECLARE MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2007 NFL DRAFT. A 6'0", 175 lb. all-purpose player out of the University of Pennsylvania (Graduate School of Chemistry). Here are some more of my stats: 1) can do 25 pushups without resting; 2) can run one mile without resting; 3) not afraid of twisting an ankle; 4) excellent strategist; 5) National Merit Finalist; 6) 4.3 second 40-yard dash time; 7) bench presses 225 lbs 65 times in a row; 8) can toss a Volkswagen 25 yards in the air; 9) does not need oxygen to survive; 10) impervious to fire and acid.
I expect to be picked up in one of the later rounds. I will be representing myself in all contract negotiations.
