Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Another Letter To Hillary Clinton

(Back in February, I wrote my first letter to Hillary, offering some urgent advice for her campaign. She didn't listen to me, and now she's in dire straits. So here's another note, offering even more advice. Will I ever be able to get through that tough, thick hide of hers - with my words?)

Dear Hillary,

So you lost North Carolina by a ton, and Indiana was won by the slimmest of margins – less than two percentage points. You actually fell a little further behind in terms of delegate count and popular votes.

You should have listened to me when you had the chance.

In my last letter, I told you to go for the choke hold. It would seem that you misunderstood my intention. And it would now appear that your inability to decipher my advice is costing you.

You see Hillary, I wasn’t telling you to put Obama in a figurative choke hold – via negative publicity about his former pastor, or by focusing on some stupid comments that he’s made.

What I was trying to convey is that you need to get HIM to put YOU in a literal, physical, two-handed choke hold on national TV. I didn’t care how you did it. But I was confident that you could piss him off enough to make it happen.

What a CHANGE that would have been to Washington “politics as usual.”

Suffice it to say, you blew it. You really crapped it up this time, Clinton. Please re-read my last note. I won’t explain it again.

Even so, you’re right. The battle goes on, and you shall fight to the end.

Aristotle once said, “It’s not over until the fat lady sings.”

And although that doesn’t apply here (and I’m not calling you fat), I think it’s an important thing to note, and could serve as a useful rebuttal to the millions of democrats who are now asking you to step aside – to allow the uppity Obama to steal the nomination from your working class - yet Palmolive smooth - hands.

Some say you have no chance to win, mathematically - that you have no chance, realistically speaking, to secure the party’s nomination.

Others say there aren’t enough delegates left – that even if you won a vast majority of the remaining votes, you still couldn’t technically win.

Mathematically. Realistically. Technically.

These are the words of losers and quitters.

Clearly, you are not a loser. And you have no need for words such as “unattainable”, “inarguable,” or “actually-no-chance.”

And yet, I feel like you need some more advice right about now. I just don’t know if it’s worth pouring my heart and soul into this correspondence.

No matter. This election is too important. I won’t cower in a corner, crying like a coddled weakling.

Hillary, my advice to you is this: STAGE A MILITARY COUP. Just to be clear, that’s a sudden and decisive change of government illegally or by force. It’s your only solid shot at grabbing power.

"Now, Mrs. Clinton hold on to your coffee, cause what you see over there is called a 'big gun,' and the man holding it is known as a 'United States soldier.' He's on our side, so don't be afraid of the face paint."

Hill, hamming it up for the cameras, while internally calculating which soldier is trustworthy enough to help her overthrow the Republican warlords in Washington.

Either that, or let Bravo film a reality show about your campaign. If the ratings are anywhere near those of Top Chef, then the remaining super delegates have to fall in line behind you.

So to recap my latest counsel: either a) overthrow the government via military force, or b) get a reality show of your own.

Good luck with this new and improved plan. I know you can pull it off gracefully. If you go the reality TV route, just let me know when to set my DVR.

Warmest regards,

A big fan of yours and Bubba's since '92,

I was born about 100 miles from Scranton - your hometown,

So you see we're very similar in most ways,

Except for a discrepancy of about 109 million dollars between our bank accounts,

But otherwise we are birds of a feather,

We are soul sisters, even though I am a man,

So best wishes for a successful campaign/coup/reality show

- The Mill


JG said...

I think politics could use some more quickfire challenges instead of debates.

The Mill said...

Yes. Top Chef would be a great way to choose our next President....I smell a new blog post cooking.