Wednesday, February 06, 2008

A Letter To Tom Brady - Sorry You Lost The Super Bowl, You Handsome Devil

(This letter appeared as part of my most recent weekly column at The Love Of Sports. I dragged Tom Brady through the mud face first last week, saying that Eli Manning was more deserving of a Super Bowl victory. Brady proved me right. I feel terrible that my article clearly rattled him, and caused him to play poorly in the big game. Sorry Tom!! I wrote this letter to cheer him up - he must be devastated after sniffing the glory of a perfect season, only to have it slip through his ample fingers.)

Dear Tom,

I hope this letter finds you well - or at least as well as one could hope to be after such a soul-crushing loss in the Super Bowl.

You lost to the vastly overmatched New York Giants. The odds were in your favor. You have Randy Moss to whom to throw the ball. Your coach is the evil genius, Bill Belichick. Your girlfriend is Gisele. You should have won the game. You were supposed to win the game. Even God was rooting for you.

But alas, you blew it. Big time.

That’s the bad news. But none of it’s really news to you, Tom. You were right there at the game, after all.

Wait! Please don’t tear this letter into tiny bits and cram the pieces into your mouth, forcing them down your throat with nothing but your hysterical rage - and a sip or two of Jim Beam.

Tom, I’m not writing this letter to remind you of one of the most disappointing performances of your entire life. Rather, I’m writing this to bring you some good news.

That’s right Tom. Good news.

And several pieces of good news, at that.

First off, I didn’t lose any money on the game, and I really wanted you to know that. I didn’t bet on the Patriots to cover the spread. I didn’t bet on the Giants to win outright (although I wish I had). I only bet on which suit-tie combination Troy Aikman would be wearing.

The odds were 7 to 1 for the charcoal-gray/yellow-powder-blue striped combo. And I nailed the pick.

Good news, Tom. I won twelve dollars.

Second piece of good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

Ha! Just kidding. I’m only trying to brighten your day. Also, I've always insured my vehicles with GEICO, so that joke is quite simply a lie.

The truth, is there isn’t much else in the way of good news, particularly in reference to your Super Bowl loss. I’m not going to lie to you.

Sure, much progress has been made on the way to discovering an effective AIDS vaccine.

Indeed, it would appear as though North Korea is warming up to America’s overtures, and reconstituting long-lost ties to the South.

It’s true that Britney is back beneath the watchful eye of psychiatric specialists.

These are all good things for the world in general. But may not mean much for you individually.

You see Tom, there’s a lot more to life than football. And that’s my point (which I only came up with just now). You need to look past this recent pathetic performance, and pick the bright bits out of that dark, nasty mess of a football game. They’re in there if you look hard enough.

You guys had a great season. You only lost one lousy game. So keep your head out of the oven. No reason to drink five entire bottles of Nyquil all at once. Don’t sit in your Ferrari with the windows rolled up, engine running, in an airtight garage.

I want you back out on the field next season.

Oh, and one more piece of good news. On eBay, I got four tickets to see the Broadway show “Jersey Boys”. Do you have any idea how hard those are to score? I had to place my high bid at the last possible moment. Talk about an exciting finish.

With Warmest Regards and Bearing Good News,

- The Mill

No comments: