Wishing I Was the Verizon Wireless Guy

I can hear him now.

He’s probably lounging in a hot tub, sipping champagne with supermodels somewhere in the Rocky Mountains – all on Verizon’s dime. Suffice it to say, he’s got the new Blackberry Storm, and some as-of-yet-unreleased Japanese cell phone that uses laser beams to drive your car while you talk on it.

He’s one of the most recognizable faces in advertising, and is not nearly as obnoxious as the Dell dude, or as egregiously bland as Jared from Subway.

The fortunes of the largest cell phone company on the continent rest on his supple and well-massaged shoulders. If he were to quit, Verizon would be in ruins. Their marketing campaign would be shot to hell, and they’d be forced to lay off tens of thousands of employees, and shutter hundreds of Verizon Wireless retail outlets and kiosks. Piercing Pagodas would likely take their places in malls across the nation.

That’s not economic stimulus we can believe in.

So important, yet I never even knew the guy’s name – until I looked him up on Wikipedia.

And so, Mr. Paul Marcarelli - aka the Verizon Wireless Dude - I salute you and your horn-rimmed specs for some incredible advertising longevity. I’m not sure how you’ve lasted so long. I bet by now, you can portray that role in your sleep.

I only hope that you renegotiated your contract before the current downturn really kicked the shit out of our economy.

Anyway, in many ways I wish I were you – albeit I’m mostly interested in the Verizon gig. Your personal life could be an utter disaster for all I know. But even if you’re addicted to gambling, porn, heroin, and shopping, and haven’t spoken to your parents or siblings in 15 years, that Verizon thing must be a totally sweet deal.

Once again, congratulations. I don’t know if you deserve it, but I haven’t read anything on the internet about you being a jerk – so you’re probably an okay guy.

In closing, I only ask that if/when you get tired of being the Verizon guy, you’d give me a heads-up. I have an amazing high-concept idea wherein – you guessed it - I would be the new Verizon guy.

I wouldn’t say “Can you hear me now?” I wouldn’t even mention “Verizon.” Rather, I would be filmed playing with puppies while some guy in the background makes a call on his cell phone. It would be unclear whether or not he’s a Verizon customer, but the puppies would be cute, and my hair would be perfect.

I would play with puppies- while collecting a hefty paycheck - in order to indirectly increase Verizon's sales.

This is but a sampling of my marketing genius.

I await your signal. You may direct Verizon to send the contract directly to me, as I currently have no agent, believe it or not.

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A New Allergy Treatment?

It turns out that one of man’s best friends, second only to dogs – the adorable and cuddly hookworm – may actually offer relief to some serious allergy sufferers.

Who knew?

A fine English gentleman by the name of Dr. David Pritchard knew. He’s been performing experiments on himself and others involving self-infestation by hookworms.

Sound appetizing? Why don’t you go grab yourself a ham sandwich and a cup of split pea soup, and then sit down and read this article.

Not to ruin the surprise, but it turns out you can actually get hookworms into your own body by wrapping a bandage covered in hookworm larvae around your arm, or leg, or heck, any old patch of bare skin.

The funny little critters simply burrow their way right on into your body, and eventually make their way to your small intestines. It’s here that they get comfy and feed off your blood.

Nice.

But what they also seem to do is suppress their host’s immune system, thus making the host’s allergies less severe. The mechanism is a mystery, but the studies show a clear effect.

I count myself among the lucky few to not suffer from seasonal allergies of any kind. I’m a tad bit allergic to cats, but that’s about it – certainly not worth defiling my pristine intestines with worms.

This face is worth a thousand hookworms.

But Jaimi, sweet Jaimi , now she’s very allergic to many things - most notably dogs of all shapes and sizes. She loves dogs, but it really offends the dogs when she can’t pet them – because her eyes will swell shut and her nose will flow like the Mississippi.

I’d say she’s the perfect candidate for hookworm treatment. Sure, with hookworms you have to worry about malnutrition and anemia - and the knowledge that you have tiny worms living in your gut. But isn’t that well worth the love of a wet-nosed, fuzzy little puppy?

I think so.

But I’m not the one who’d be getting hookworms.

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This Is Crazy

Again, I'm not able to explain how I came across this website. Just don't worry about it, okay? But please check it out: Crazy Link

The first thing you'll see when you visit the website is: "Thank you for your interest in patented Neuticles and the revolutionary testicular implant procedure for pets."

This fuzzy guy would just as soon use Neuticles for chew toys as have them replace his real testicles after being neutered. Right little buddy?!??!

Huh? Why would my pet want that? And perhaps more importantly, why would I want that for my pet? After all, it's not really my pet's decision. I mean, I'm the one paying for any sort of cosmetic surgery for my pet. That's something me and my pet agreed upon long ago. He pays for cable, rent, and phone, and I pay for cosmetic surgery and food. That's the deal. So it's not up to him. If he wants to pay for unlimited long distance, I've got no problem with that. But if I want to pay for his tummy tuck or tail lengthening, then he'll just need to take it lying down.

But seriously, I spent a good 3-5 minutes trying to figure out whether this site was for real. I've concluded that it is, although I'm still only 97% sure. They even have price lists and diagrams for veterinarians. There are different sizes and textures available, for a natural look and feel. Not kidding.

My Neuticles look ridiculous. I think they gave me the ones made for a Doberman. I'm mortified. All my friends point and laugh.

I love dogs, but I could never imagine that they would give a shit if you gave them fake testicles or not. So why do it? For your own satisfaction? That sounds like it could be rather socially unacceptable. Most likely, it's just to make the owners feel a little less bad about neutering their pets. But one of the most wonderful things about pets (dogs, in particular) is that they don't hold grudges. You could have pretty much any kind of surgical procedure done to them, and they would still love you after it was all over. This is one of the many reasons we love our pets, and would do almost anything for them (also see my post from June re: dogs).

We really don't mind if you have us neutered. We'll love you no matter what. Just keep feeding us. Thanks.

I don't know. It's crazy - but at the same time, if it doesn't hurt the animals and it makes the owners feel better.....no harm no foul. Perhaps this post was just an excuse to put up some pics of cute puppies.

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