Monday, January 07, 2008

New Year's Resolutions 2008

One of my top resolutions: more street luge.

The Mill’s New Year’s Resolutions 2008!!

By now, you’re probably wondering what my New Year’s Resolutions are going to be in ‘08. You may be thinking, “Wow, I bet The Mill has made some very challenging resolutions, as that is his nature. His intensity is evident from his blog posts, and I’d imagine that this guy sets only the very highest standards for himself, and for those around him - including (and maybe especially) those who read his website.”

You must be clairvoyant, or at least somewhat observant. Or possibly completely and totally mistaken. Because the truth is you really don’t know me at all. Especially if you arrived at this site via a Google search for “Costco chainsaws” or “hot dog casserole. Go ahead and test it out. And while you’re at it, do a search for “Juicy Couture Magic 8 ball.” My site is like the 7th result down the page. No wonder I get upwards of 10 visitors per day. Including myself. And my mom. And Jaimi. And...and. Maybe my dad?

Anyway, for all you know, I could be a 5th grade Malaysian boy learning English for the first time. It’s possible. You wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell from the writing.

So you think you have a sense of what New Year’s resolutions someone might make. Well my friend, you may end up being rather surprised. For example, maybe you’d think that I’ve resolved to write more blog posts and read more books. Okay, fine. Lucky guesses.

But maybe you’d also think that I’ve resolved to focus more on the struggle for world peace. Or finding a cure for arm cancer, or something really serious like that. If that’s what you think, then you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. Arm cancer wrong.

I’m a self-absorbed kind of guy. I’m not really all that into world peace. Peace is nice, don’t get me wrong. But all over the world? All at the same time? No thanks. All of the bullet companies and whoever makes the Apache attack chopper would be out of business. And that means that people would lose jobs. When people lose jobs, household budgets tighten. And when household budgets tighten, edible delicacies don’t find their way onto the shopping list. And that shopping list not only contains items intended for human consumption, but also those intended for canine consumption. And is it the dog’s fault that you lost your job and don’t have the money to buy Milk Bones? You buy your human children milk and bread, but the poor defenseless doggies have nothing super-crunchy to eat as a snack.

Taking away his Milk Bone is no different than stealing candy from a baby.....

My point of course is - if you haven’t figured it out by now (which I find difficult to believe) - that true and universal world peace would make dogs unhappy. And nobody likes having a moody dog around the house. They piss and shit everywhere, chew on the furniture, and just generally act like assholes. No fun. Who wants that?

...And with nobody fighting with cool choppers like this Apache AH-64 Longbow, then we are stealing the treats out of innocent dogs' drooling mouths - according to my deranged logic.

So I stand by my New Year’s resolution of not striving all that hard to bring about worldwide peace this year. I will do nothing to prevent it, but just not go too far out of my way to enact it. Maybe, just maybe, if world peace literally fell in my lap, then I might seize it and decree it - on a trial basis only, of course. And see how the dogs feel about it after a week or so.

Here are a few other New Year’s resolutions (in no particular order):

1) Spend more quality time with my fantasy sports teams
2) Fix that damn squeaky door hinge
3) Get that pile of old banana peels and apple cores out of the corner of the room
4) Change that light bulb in Jaimi’s hallway (note to self: it’s like 12 feet off the ground, so have the paramedics waiting just in case)
5) Be kind to animals
6) Be courteous to the elderly
7) Lose 5-7 pounds of fat and/or add 25-50 pounds of pure adrenaline pumping, pulse-pounding muscle
8) Street luge
9) Eat more fruit
10) Kick more ass

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