Costco Wholesale Clubs - aka - Why I need a 55-Gallon Drum of Soy Sauce.

Costco's great. The greatest, really. I just get a happy feeling whenever I walk into the place. Not only do I save tons of money when I shop there, but it's a club. So not every schmuck off the street can shop at the store. If you're not an exclusive member, they will actually tell you "Your money's no good here," which is something I've always wanted to hear. Actually, Costco's line is more like, "We're sorry sir. Your money's no good here. You'll need to become a member and pay us fifty bucks. Then your money will be very, very good here."

What are some of my favorite items for which to redeem my cash at Costco? Well, the list is quite extensive. It's the kind of place that really instills wonder and awe, as you marvel at the genius of capitalism. So you give them a measly twenty-dollar bill, a thin slip of nappy green paper, and what do you get in return? They'll give you 12 toothbrushes, 10 liters of mouthwash, and 4 miles of dental floss. Enough to sterilize your mouth for 5 years.

Fifty dollars? What will that net you at Costco? A mere two Jacksons and two Lincolns. One Grant. Five Hamiltons. No matter how you slice and dice it, it still buys you a cordless Norelco beard trimmer, 36 Gillette Mach3 Turbo blades, and a 24-can Valu-Pak of Edge shave gel. You'll be completely shaved and smooth as a baby for the next decade.

Let's consider what one can purchase for $100 at this wholesale Shangri-la: 12 pounds of ham, 10 pounds of Alaskan king crab legs (previously frozen), a paper shredder, 14 bath towels, Season 3 of The Sopranos on DVD, 5 gallons of mayonnaise, 96 rolls of paper towels, 15 watermelons, 6 pairs of blue jeans, a gas-powered chainsaw, and a 14 karat gold tennis bracelet (encrusted with 25 genuine sapphire-cut diamelles). Not sure what I would do with all that stuff, but I have one word to describe these incredible deals: holycrap.

This picture of Ben Franklin is all you need to get a shopping cart full of crap at Costco.


Need 600 pairs of blue jeans? Of course you do. $34.99 at Costco.

So how does Costco turn a profit, while selling almost everything at ludicrously low, bargain-basement prices? The answer: they probably don't. Although the stock price has risen nicely over the last few years on reports of strong earnings, I bet they're cooking the books bigtime. You heard it here first. Costco is the next Enron. Get out while you still can. The Mill has a "Sell Yesterday" rating on this particular stock.

Another popular Costco promotion - Buy 20 pounds of king crab legs for $19.95..........


Get 3 Craftsman gas-powered chainsaws for free!

Now would be a good time to point out that I have no reason to believe that Costco is actually doing anything improper with their financial statements. Really, this accusation is all out of frustration. Frustration for not being able to comprehend the causality of these implausibly breathtaking bargains. How do they do it? Seriously. I'm not joking. Somebody explain it to me. I mean, picture frames are 5 for $5. Pillows are 3 for 10 bucks. Beef jerky - 2 pounds for $6. All amazing deals. All at one store.

Mr. Costco (if that is your real name) you are my hero.