(The following personal ad will be going up on Craigslist in a couple of days. Jaimi will be out of town next week (celebrating our recent engagement without me) and ever since we started dating, I've ignored all of my friends - so now I have no one to have dinner with on Christmas Eve. See below - problem solved.)
Location: Chinatown. Restaurant of my choice, but I will take suggestions.
Time: Christmas Eve. Maybe seven-ish?
First off, I just got engaged last week. My fiancée will be away for the holiday.
I’m not looking for a date.
There will be no sex before, during or after the meal.
The only physical contact will be a hearty handshake when we meet, and perhaps a few high-fives during the evening if one of us makes a particularly sweet joke, or finds a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. You may also receive a pat on the back if we end up playing darts and you score a bullseye. Otherwise the only contact will be eye contact. And even that will be intermittent and non-obligatory.
About me: early 30’s, clean-cut, professional. I love my beer and I love my lady. I like the NFL, NBA, and MLB. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, and puppies. Chinese food is my favorite. Obviously, I’m also Jewish.
I’m a fan of the finer things in life – such as Moo-Shu chicken and Shrimp with Lobster Sauce. For me, General Tso’s Chicken is to be considered a delicacy for special occasions – and the night before Christmas falls neatly into that category. I’ll have plenty of money to pay for my dinner, but please don’t ask me where I got my “Bad Motherfucker” wallet from. I had it way before “Pulp Fiction” came out.
I’ve been told that I’m rather easy to get along with. I have a quick rapport with the working class. I’m witty, in a rancorously sarcastic kind of way. It may be unpleasant at first, but you’ll eventually get used it – again, so I’ve been told.
I know a little bit of karate, in case we make a wrong turn down a dark alley. I have no known food allergies. I will try anything once, as long as the restaurant has an up-to-date health inspection. Pig cheeks, fish rectum, squirrel eggs. If it’s deep fried, I’ll eat it.
I DO NOT KEEP KOSHER.
Basically, I’m the perfect non-Christian Christmas Eve dinner buddy.
About you: I don’t really care. Sure, I’ll probably learn more about you during the meal unless you are a mute - but I’m very open-minded when it comes to having dinner with someone on a night when 95% of the country is celebrating the holiday with their loved ones.
You can be male, female, neither, or both. Black, White, Asian, Latino, or French. Hindu, Buddhist, Baha’i, or Muslim.
I guess you could also be Jewish. Like me.
My goal: have a pleasant meal with a stranger on a night when absolutely none of my friends or family are around. I plan to order the soup dumplings, and I don’t want to share those. But otherwise, we could get several dishes and eat family-style. I wouldn’t be against that.
I don’t really need any new friends, and please understand that you are joining me only because I have absolutely no one else to have dinner with. That being said, I promise to be completely courteous and respectful towards you – unless you turn out to be a complete douche bag.
If you’re interested, please let me know. I’ll be accepting applications up until noon on December 24th.
Scott, you are welcome at my parent's on xmas eve. they throw one hell of a party and we'd love to have you...you can even sleep over...no sex of course!
ReplyDeleteSara, thanks for the offer.
ReplyDeleteWill we be having Chinese food? If not, I will be throwing a tantrum.
she better pony up soup dumplings or else she will feel the 'rath. and not in a good way.
ReplyDeleteYou are always welcome in Philly. As you know we have a Chinatown, but we won't be there. We will be at the Swan Lounge in the Four Seasons Hotel. You are welcome to join us there. Guess Who.
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